Yes, Going Hemingway

I am not at the top of the mountain. I speak of positive steps based on the aid they give. Any encouragement and a pointing of the way is for me as well as for you. Perhaps it is only for me. I am sad and crying and thinking too hard of the life that I have lived. Not that I made mistake after mistake. I did not. Letting go of what was. Of family which is still alive. Of feces that is too tough to deal with.

Perhaps it is time for me to face the facts. I have nothing to teach. Nowhere to point to. Nothing to say. Yes, Ernest. I respect you.

Try and Try Again

Our injury changes a lot. Behaviors that we become to know as, "Us" have disappeared for many of us. From sleep patterns to physical challenges. Food no longer seems the same. A lack of enjoyment. Reading is now similar to mowing the lawn on a hot, hot day. Guitars? Sell. Some things I did for better health and mind, meditation and varying exercise? Where did they go?

As I spoke about meditation on my last post, I haven't thrown in the towel. Sometimes having a group helps. The other point of importance that I left unsaid is exercise.

With meditation I hope to begin as a beginner. Exercise, the same. Both with patience. A small sitting each day. No judgement. No expectation.

My exercise has grown little beyond my walk around my roadway. All woods. I enjoy it. When I break off to climb the hill to home through the woods it's good to see tracks and scat, etc... MY plan there is to keep it up no matter what the weather. Work on increasing speed. Maybe a short run ( fifteen yards?) thrown in.

Those two little practices are highly rated for acting as TBI improvement. Aerobic based exercise is just what the brain needs. Equal to the benefits of sleep. The meditation will help calm our thinking into being in the reality of life. Being stuck in always looking backward while struggling with what the future may be, accomplishes nothing but worry, anger and depression.

I'm encouraging myself on while hoping that you as well will not just lie where you do. We should always work on growth. If my focus remains on all the things I used to do and used to enjoy is like missing my childhood. Remember. Have a good laugh or a warmth on heart but it is over. Only a memory.

Simplicity

Many of us follow our racing thoughts and dance with our dancing emotions. It's a rough way to live. Not that many people don't already live this way but after a TBI it kicks into high gear. My previous years have heightened my awareness of the unreality of being stuck in our thoughts and emotions focusing on yesterday and tomorrow. From years of meditation, and yes, TBI has helped squash that practice as well. But all things begin small and my practice of simplicity will begin with two items.

Two items to practice.

1) Practice. 

Start there. Think on what practice is saying. Patience. Non judgement. One day, one moment at a time. Never make goals out of it. Just do it. 

Just   Do   It!

Practice what? 

Start Here.

If anyone joins me..... Yes, me too, we can practice more which is known to be beneficial for us trying to strengthen and find balance. Starting here we can help calm the frenzy.

With practice....

OMG!

During my career experience, my study and observation, it has always frustrated me dearly when opinion and decisions are made by those who have never looked beyond the end of their nose. It so often seems that this is how most of society functions. Maybe the world. Pavlov's dogs and sheep run things and important positions and are the prime example of why things can never run smooth. 

I met with doctors, attorney and am soon expected to meet with a judge regarding my SSDI possibility. It is frustrating to see how little is actually understood in places and positions where it should be better known by them than by the one who has a brain injury. 

I can understand when friends and family don't have a firm perspective on Executive Dysfunction or Brain Fatigue and the cognitive, psychological and physical burdens that are a part of daily life. I have witnessed decisions, opinions and moves made accordingly which led to catastrophic ends. 

If you agree, share this. People need to do their homework before they launch headlong into screwing everything they think about and touch. Life is complicated and we do need fewer fools. Have mercy on us!

What to Do.....

Life does continue with me feeling more like a ninety year old who spends hours just looking out the window. As though everything has come to an end.
My recent disability review reveals what a mess I really am. I increased my medication which doesn't help until it fully kicks in. Let's hope. As I earlier stated my therapist recommended that I try a "just do it" exercise. It is helpful yet not easy. How well I slept dictates the new day. Grabbing my morning coffee the day feels finished. To grab the "Do it" and check on the chickens, pick up, do dishes, make bed and take a shower makes me feel that I accomplished something. Occasionally it provides added energy allowing me to do more. Run short errands, take a walk and feel hopeful.
My 2 Yr anniversary is this coming Tuesday. I don't want to continue on like this. I plan on a new Just do it plan to gain strength and balance.
Warm ups
Stretching
Planking

Wish me luck!

Depression - a Gift from Having a TBI

Depression runs through my Family Tree resembling a lone apple tree with fruit that even the birds avoid. My early years were filled with extreme anxiety before I even learned its name. Long reaching to seeing up close the recognition depression in my adult years showed me why lives were lived as they did.

Depression has toyed with me yet rose its head or sunk its roots colored by vibrant anxiety. In hindsight, it worked as a gift if I look how it stopped me from going where family and relatives ventured. But it was horrible none the less. In reading:

 

it helped offer a new way of realization. In later years with the addition of learning meditation my apple ripened.

In experiencing a traumatic brain injury things do change. The apple began to turn rotten on the tree. Things I did and/or used and/or experienced to shine the apple have gone.

That is why help is needed. Medication, therapy and supports have helped me from falling off the tree to only rot on the ground. Stick with me! It is work.

Let Us Not Fool Ourselves

Surviving a Traumatic Brain Injury is not a complex puzzle which we seek to understand and solve as if there are answers and solutions that will complete the puzzle. It's closer akin to a puzzle that was thrown about the neighborhood where some pieces were lost and where perhaps some were burnt in the nonsensical implosion.

No wonder why we experience depression and anxiety. Clarity, memory, walking upright and strong. We are in a difficult place. It's sweet when a survivor is able to write positive stories of change and success and at times make a living out of it. For many of us, we feel like we're partially clothed and hungry and are unsure on how we will find our way home. We sometimes find flowers of optimism which at times we share in an effort to feel good in sharing. In trying to find hope when finding others who suffer as we do.

It's a lonely occupation. An occupation that pays little and offers little hope of retirement. No wonder why we find ourselves crying and stumble forward in a wonder of where we may be going. It's not easy.