The Collapse of Civilization Via TBI

Remembering an old film where a man had to cross the desert, ration water and keep moving until freedom or rescue is finally at hand. Some guys never make it. The main character manages to overcome such a life threatening obstacle and survives.
Hurrah for the star of the movie. How quickly we forget about the guy who dried like a raisin where his bones became picked clean by the hungry.
In my crossing of the desert I am finding it hard to focus on a dot on the horizon. It has been too much to fathom. If I was trying to save my water and make it to the other side it would appear a little more reasonable than this stumbling through the noxious fog of having a TBI. Brain injury is complicated and ever changing. Step forward and step back adding in a zig-zag and spiral line. Rationing water and moving towards a dot on the horizon is a rationale struggle with the hope that you'll make it. Zigs and spirals beyond everyday comprehension lure many to just drop in the desert of life and deteriorate to having our bones picked clean.
It took some time but I finally began to understand the reason for my desire to "tap out."  Due to feeling weak and dependent on the help of others a child or reaching an old age we do find ourselves dependent. But it is true then as well as it is now. We fight for independence and strength. I guess that it's natural.
Being watched over and cared for does bring an expectation or hope that we will smile and be happy. I don't like it. Tired, weak, confused and changed? So we put our best foot forward and be the best that we can.
Bill Hickock took shots to the back on my birthday. I know that it's odd that I always sat with my back to the corner. When I read of his demise I thought, "Hey. I can relate!" Much of my life has been independent yet giving. Watchful and guarded. Now I feel up for grabs.
Turning on the television doesn't help much either. American life seems to be always selling you on something. From goods to pharmaceuticals to politics. Making a buck is the number one goal and how it's done is an ongoing masquerade of making a buck no matter what the outcome.
As one who has observed the wisdom of Buddhist compassion I too feel that if I am nice, polite and cordial I am willing to surrender and die. Watching the animal kingdom naturally feed on each other is normal and acceptable. There was (and still is) a time when man must hunt and kill and eat their choice of meat. Toss in religion and/or country and we condone killing for power and riches.
My guard down now?