The River of Life

On this day in 2003 me mum died unexpectedly. Unexpectedly in that she was built to exceed ninety plus years. Her liver shut down shortly after a hip replacement. May have strongly bid for an attorney but unexpected things make the family move on in shock.
This picture was taken in the early 1950's. She sits in thought.
Prior to my Brain Injury I had opportunity to sit in no-thought. Meditation allows thought to enter the mind like clouds do the sky. We are able to watch them cross from one horizon the the other. Change shapes, size and color.
We grab tightly to thought which manifests as a rudder forcing us along on the sky of life. We are born and we know also that one day we shall also die. From birth to death emotions such as fear and anxiety, depression and anger, love or lust or greed or desire can either steer or be observed.
My Brain Injury has taken over my (??) whereby I emotion has excessive authority. Physically I am altered in undesirable way. The mechanism of the human brain has also been changed.
It is confusing and appears that feeling anxious and depressed is reasonable. And I concur. I believe that the issue lies with grabbing emotion and letting it drag us along or being able to observe its arrival and departure.
It is a Practice. One that I have dropped and continue to find like a hot potato. I don't want to give up. I may need a little Ativan to assist. A little. The future now, appears more mysterious that it did five or ten years ado. Do I want to struggle in the river of life or learn how to ride it?
Oh well.... I miss you Mum. I give you love and apologies. I wish that you could have met Ann. You would really like her.

Seriously

 Someone with TBI might stop by here to learn the latest news. And I like that. I love American History and much more. Reading is not as generating for me as it used to be. Writing as well. It is a TBI struggle.

I would like to offer good words of inspiration.

As of now, I cannot.

When I can I will.

Things are hard.

Yes I am

A Square Peg

                     Trying to fit into

                                                a Round Hole

Pros and Cons of Solitude

I find that associating with brain injury groups I feel out of sorts. Sadly, as if I'm a black man who is trying to pass himself off as a white dude. I don't Want To fit in.

Sad?

Seeing those I know also has me feeling as though I want to leave. Things I feel are unknown. My thoughts, my feelings and my hidden struggles. I feel disabled. A very hidden disability. Trying to blend (?) with either side drives me to being alone.ou

I have experienced the sometimes freedom of meeting those who know nothing about me. I do feel free and light.

Do you experience the same? Anything close?

Brain Injury Destination

Destination: The place that someone or something is going or being sent

Prior or post brain injury, do we really have a place we are going or being sent? 

Post and prior we assume that plans, goals and wishes are destinations. I think not. Unless you're thinking like the ships of 1492. Plans for finding east by going west and finding what you never expected. 

I don't know if I'm going east or west. Destination? No... No idea what place I'm going to or being sent (physically, mentally, brain function) It will be a surprise? 

Damned if I know.

I Am Sorry

I recently read a story about people interviewed while on their death beds.
Do they have any regret now that their book is slowly closing
The common regret was being sorry for choices they wish were different. Regret for challenges they were afraid to make. Traveling, better decisions, making more friends and supporting family better and so on.
I could alter the list. It's not a wall of agreeable regrets held by all.
Regrets I feel are real but not necessarily anything more than just being human. We all did the best we could do. We all deal with apprehension and fear. We have heavy choices. Life is hard. Driving across the State can make us regret that we didn't use a map or maybe we should have turned left at the last sign.
But I too, I guess, have a regret. One where I feel that I must say, "I am sorry."
I am not sure why but I feel I must take responsibility.
Is it real?
How much time do we use to struggle with an I should of or could of or why didn't I?
This is a common human experience. After a brain injury, I have read and seen and experienced how much the common human experience is accelerated. A hump on our back where we feel laden with too heavy a burden. Wishing we acted differently. Thinking that our emotions/feelings now create more regret than a rational plan for action instead of regret and/or apology.
It's not easy being me right now. Or for you being you! In trying to paddle down a high rapid river practicing at control and not only emotion aids in finding shore.
I want us to be patient with ourselves but work hard. Thoughts and emotions of negative quality can be lessened, with practice.
It's not easy. Some days are just the days that they are. A day of walking close to tears. One of feeling angry. It is not us!
So, what can we do?

Roomful of Mirrors

Time to get up! Or wake up. Or maybe go back to sleep. One day it's nine a.m. and another it's eleven.
Surviving a Brain Injury every day is different. It is like living in a roomful of mirrors and being unable to tell right from left or up from down. Every reflection reveals different thinking and thus feelings and perspective.
Consistency!
Where has it gone?
Hence days or weeks with time plus or minus, no wonder focus is unreachable. Body and emotions and thinking. A merry go round or a roomful of mirrors or both?
That's the hard part. I work at it by thinking about weather. In summer we don't mind a rainy day. But when the temps drops by twenty five degrees and it continues for several days, we beg for change. We endure because we know that soon the sun will shine.
Winter? It can be a bit more difficult. Snow, cold and dark with feeling that we can go on no longer. But for most of us, we have to.
I want the mirrors cleared out. The merry go round burned. No more time in the long winters of New England unless I can afford a few weeks west or south.
Bah!