Consistent Inconsistency

I've used a badly sprained ankle as an example many times. Your injury is such that when you're in pain and lose your place in the line up for a while you implement suggested measures and work on bringing down inflammation and stay off your feet. Over an extended period of time it begins to feel better and you limp around taking it easy. Slowly you find that your shoe is allowed back on the foot of the sprain and with continued soaking and pain medication you reach a point of it becoming workable. In time, you feel normal and finally reach a period where you're okay. The sprain is forgotten.

Having a traumatic brain injury makes the rules are completely different. Thinking, feeling and physical issues change as cards do in a card game. We see an Ace in the game played and the deck no longer holds it. The game continues as another shuffle is made. At some point in the game the Ace reappears.

Your dizziness and/or imbalance disappears. As does your anxiety or sleeping problems. Your word search or other portions of memory improve. The list goes on. And on. With a sprained ankle, once you reach a point of advance, you dismiss that portion of your injury. Having a TBI, an issue gone resembles the card game. It is re-dealt. Many times over as in a long poker game. This does not mean that things are left without hope. Like a poker game the cards can change but the time and game is a gamble. We never know what hurdle we'll overcome or when it will occur or when it is over.

In my experience some positive changes appear permanent. Some linger and roll like waves. High, low, and sometimes an unexpected current. It is important that you keep track. Keep a journal or pay close attention. It's also important to name without emotion. Use awareness to keep score. Not as one might in a game but as you would in creating something. In building, playing Jenga or playing Lincoln logs, it is foolish to knock it all down and walk away. Perhaps it's like painting a picture. It's juvenile to toss paint all over the canvas and try to walk home. We need to work on things. We need to avoid seeking those who suffer as we do only for the point of complaining.

Sometimes letting it all go is a way of gaining ground. Sitting with my buddy and have a Spring clean up bonfire made things seem normal. We've done it many times before. No expectations and light conversation. I stated that it was fun and good. It made me feel so normal. He agreed. Just two buds doing an old thing together. Find those friends who are from the days of old and acceptance. It is very healing,

An invisible disability, no limp or staggering slur / et al, those who have survived a TBI, experience their transformation like ghosts. Cognitive issues such as memory loss and difficulty and/or struggling to focus, read or listen hides itself well. Whereas I now most resemble (at least in my view and experience) a ninety five year old home bound man. Yes, I'm better than I was but improvement comes exceedingly slow. And how far can I go?

My excessive reading, staying strong, experiencing the peace of mind through a quiet mind. Sleeping well, ability to socialize and make decisive decisions. Laughingly, I need someone to visit me. Take me out. Feed me. As one who knew Tai Chi, Qigong, the benefit of meditation, many methods of exercise, I'm an old hermit in the woods. But there has been improvement. I read a little. Can't play the guitar too well. I walk regularly but not without difficulty. Pain meds and muscle relaxants in addition to anxiety and depression meds with excessive insulin resistance..... Hemingway calls!

After my ICU and Rehab hospital stay I underwent physical and cognitive therapy locally and later with the magnificent Spaulding Rehab. I saw a neuropsychologist. And Disability states after me having an interesting and versatile career that I can never hold any position once held. But there must be something I can do.

Huh?

I'm continuing. I am using this Blogger vehicle as a journal. I hope that a few TBI survivors may also gain hope. Perhaps exchange ideas.

My first use of the phrase, "Going Hemingway" came about as I worked hard at writing a book. Ernest had said, "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter (or computer) and bleed." After seventy five percent completion, my "Cluster B" personality wife destroyed my computer and my back up CD's. There it lies today.

Life goes on....

Life Suffering Regret

Going Hemingway....

What do I suggest?

Living among all that is present in this world is never easy. Adding to our measure of awareness our own personal suffering , adding learning and experience and involvement in the world's suffering, creates different things for different people.

I am often reminded through the versatile life experience of Ernest Hemingway that a well lived life does not always lead to fulfillment and a restful slip into death. Death. Which is where we are all headed. My parent's interesting lives were perhaps not known by them that it was such. Yet we are born and will one day die. Doesn't this hint that life is for learning? It cannot be a period of time where we hang on as if it will accomplish or not accomplish something. Hemingway did not hang on. I enjoy and learn and relish where he had gone and what he had accomplished as well as his great works of literature. How did his life end in suicide?

Entering my sixth decade of life (Ernest died at age 61) with a lengthy trail of injury and family crisis and divorce, I experienced a Traumatic Brain Injury. I joke by stating that the Irish in me pushed me down. I brought a friend a bottle of her favorite to wish her well in job hunting. A bottle of good Gin on sale. The Irish in me never drinks it. That night in October 2014, I did drink it and left a house absent of an outside light or hand railings. I left the top and landed on my head. The right side cracked open as the brain traveled at an enormous speed to the left side of my head. My brain injury arose from a left hemisphere and some left frontal damage. Add to that the crumbling of the inner ear bones leaving me with 2% hearing on the left side. Your cognitive life shifts. Your physical strength and ability shifts. Your psychological sphere is out of balance. The norm is no more.

Common to others in the plight of TBI and the often additional PTSD suicide beckons. I understand that Hemingway and others in his family suffered from Hemochromatosis. He also suffered from many injuries through life. It is also noted that he drank heavily. There have been five suicides within the Hemingway family over four generations. As we TBI survivors have worked to push on I have heard words similar to that of Ernest's brother. "Like a Samurai who felt dishonored by the word, or deed of another, Ernest felt his own body had betrayed him."

I've been invited to join Facebook support groups for TBI & PTSD and have also looked into community support groups. As I recently told a TBI friend, we all feel as though we're in a hard race. If I begin to tire and kneel and perhaps vomit it is encouraging to feel the support of another who stops and consoles and places a hand on my back. But as my head raises and I look at the race pushing on around me I see where everyone is just better or worse than me. It's a rough crowd seeing the disabled all trying to push forward. What are we doing? Where are we going? For me, it is better to go the park and watch the world go by. Watch the dogs run, the kids play.

Going Hemingway? I know through having the cognitive, physical and psychological thought of feeling dishonored by the word or deed of another. I have lived it. And I also have felt that my body has more than once betrayed me. I have thought of suicide.

I am hoping and planning to explore the way of going on. Of learning from life. Of sharing my pathway.

Share with me!