Yes, Going Hemingway

I am not at the top of the mountain. I speak of positive steps based on the aid they give. Any encouragement and a pointing of the way is for me as well as for you. Perhaps it is only for me. I am sad and crying and thinking too hard of the life that I have lived. Not that I made mistake after mistake. I did not. Letting go of what was. Of family which is still alive. Of feces that is too tough to deal with.

Perhaps it is time for me to face the facts. I have nothing to teach. Nowhere to point to. Nothing to say. Yes, Ernest. I respect you.

Try and Try Again

Our injury changes a lot. Behaviors that we become to know as, "Us" have disappeared for many of us. From sleep patterns to physical challenges. Food no longer seems the same. A lack of enjoyment. Reading is now similar to mowing the lawn on a hot, hot day. Guitars? Sell. Some things I did for better health and mind, meditation and varying exercise? Where did they go?

As I spoke about meditation on my last post, I haven't thrown in the towel. Sometimes having a group helps. The other point of importance that I left unsaid is exercise.

With meditation I hope to begin as a beginner. Exercise, the same. Both with patience. A small sitting each day. No judgement. No expectation.

My exercise has grown little beyond my walk around my roadway. All woods. I enjoy it. When I break off to climb the hill to home through the woods it's good to see tracks and scat, etc... MY plan there is to keep it up no matter what the weather. Work on increasing speed. Maybe a short run ( fifteen yards?) thrown in.

Those two little practices are highly rated for acting as TBI improvement. Aerobic based exercise is just what the brain needs. Equal to the benefits of sleep. The meditation will help calm our thinking into being in the reality of life. Being stuck in always looking backward while struggling with what the future may be, accomplishes nothing but worry, anger and depression.

I'm encouraging myself on while hoping that you as well will not just lie where you do. We should always work on growth. If my focus remains on all the things I used to do and used to enjoy is like missing my childhood. Remember. Have a good laugh or a warmth on heart but it is over. Only a memory.

Simplicity

Many of us follow our racing thoughts and dance with our dancing emotions. It's a rough way to live. Not that many people don't already live this way but after a TBI it kicks into high gear. My previous years have heightened my awareness of the unreality of being stuck in our thoughts and emotions focusing on yesterday and tomorrow. From years of meditation, and yes, TBI has helped squash that practice as well. But all things begin small and my practice of simplicity will begin with two items.

Two items to practice.

1) Practice. 

Start there. Think on what practice is saying. Patience. Non judgement. One day, one moment at a time. Never make goals out of it. Just do it. 

Just   Do   It!

Practice what? 

Start Here.

If anyone joins me..... Yes, me too, we can practice more which is known to be beneficial for us trying to strengthen and find balance. Starting here we can help calm the frenzy.

With practice....

OMG!

During my career experience, my study and observation, it has always frustrated me dearly when opinion and decisions are made by those who have never looked beyond the end of their nose. It so often seems that this is how most of society functions. Maybe the world. Pavlov's dogs and sheep run things and important positions and are the prime example of why things can never run smooth. 

I met with doctors, attorney and am soon expected to meet with a judge regarding my SSDI possibility. It is frustrating to see how little is actually understood in places and positions where it should be better known by them than by the one who has a brain injury. 

I can understand when friends and family don't have a firm perspective on Executive Dysfunction or Brain Fatigue and the cognitive, psychological and physical burdens that are a part of daily life. I have witnessed decisions, opinions and moves made accordingly which led to catastrophic ends. 

If you agree, share this. People need to do their homework before they launch headlong into screwing everything they think about and touch. Life is complicated and we do need fewer fools. Have mercy on us!

What to Do.....

Life does continue with me feeling more like a ninety year old who spends hours just looking out the window. As though everything has come to an end.
My recent disability review reveals what a mess I really am. I increased my medication which doesn't help until it fully kicks in. Let's hope. As I earlier stated my therapist recommended that I try a "just do it" exercise. It is helpful yet not easy. How well I slept dictates the new day. Grabbing my morning coffee the day feels finished. To grab the "Do it" and check on the chickens, pick up, do dishes, make bed and take a shower makes me feel that I accomplished something. Occasionally it provides added energy allowing me to do more. Run short errands, take a walk and feel hopeful.
My 2 Yr anniversary is this coming Tuesday. I don't want to continue on like this. I plan on a new Just do it plan to gain strength and balance.
Warm ups
Stretching
Planking

Wish me luck!

Depression - a Gift from Having a TBI

Depression runs through my Family Tree resembling a lone apple tree with fruit that even the birds avoid. My early years were filled with extreme anxiety before I even learned its name. Long reaching to seeing up close the recognition depression in my adult years showed me why lives were lived as they did.

Depression has toyed with me yet rose its head or sunk its roots colored by vibrant anxiety. In hindsight, it worked as a gift if I look how it stopped me from going where family and relatives ventured. But it was horrible none the less. In reading:

 

it helped offer a new way of realization. In later years with the addition of learning meditation my apple ripened.

In experiencing a traumatic brain injury things do change. The apple began to turn rotten on the tree. Things I did and/or used and/or experienced to shine the apple have gone.

That is why help is needed. Medication, therapy and supports have helped me from falling off the tree to only rot on the ground. Stick with me! It is work.

Let Us Not Fool Ourselves

Surviving a Traumatic Brain Injury is not a complex puzzle which we seek to understand and solve as if there are answers and solutions that will complete the puzzle. It's closer akin to a puzzle that was thrown about the neighborhood where some pieces were lost and where perhaps some were burnt in the nonsensical implosion.

No wonder why we experience depression and anxiety. Clarity, memory, walking upright and strong. We are in a difficult place. It's sweet when a survivor is able to write positive stories of change and success and at times make a living out of it. For many of us, we feel like we're partially clothed and hungry and are unsure on how we will find our way home. We sometimes find flowers of optimism which at times we share in an effort to feel good in sharing. In trying to find hope when finding others who suffer as we do.

It's a lonely occupation. An occupation that pays little and offers little hope of retirement. No wonder why we find ourselves crying and stumble forward in a wonder of where we may be going. It's not easy.  

Initiation - Just Do It!!

Executive Functioning and Completing a Task -

Planning - making plans for an activity
Initiation - taking the first step
Actually Doing -
Evaluation - carrying out the plans, monitor and self regulate
Changing/Improving - adjusting task as needed for improvement and success

After my Brain Injury, everyday tasks diminished until I sat like an old man or as though catatonia was moving in. Rising for work, before work plans were fully erased. Concentration, focus and following through on taken for granted tasks exist no more.

Going to bed and being able to sleep without the aid of medication. Sleeping nine hours and up to twelve hours. And naps are needed. Rising and doing more than a cup of coffee takes hours. With practice and determination I shower, wash a few dishes and sometimes make my bed.

Yippie!

I have been working with my therapist on a way to wake up / change things a bit. I am not fond of having medication being my Sherpa. It is true. Many known as being famous climbers would never have made it without the aide and assistance provided by the Sherpa. Medication, as well as a Sherpa, is required and can only do so much. For starters I am coming to recognize that I am not a mountain climber. I must start slow. Do something! Full responsibility falls not on the Sherpa. So the therapist suggested that I attempt a "Just do it" approach where I can.

And it works! Not easy. Small things, like regardless of how I feel, get up. Feed chickens. Do dishes. Make bed. Shower. Try adding a few other things. Seriously, it's not that easy. Catatonia calls.

I am one week away from my two year head injury anniversary. As a marked point I have a "Do It" plan. With imbalance, weakness and an ability to only now walk a block, I need to strengthen myself. I know how and what to do.

Tai Chi and Qigong simple warm ups.
Simple Feldenkrais movements.
Core strengthening Planking.

It's a start.

Just do it!

Executive Dysfunction

I have skill enough to do or practice several things, as we all do. Pretty good cook. Simple mechanics. Exercise, meditate and work. Avid reader, goof off guitar. I am happy with things that I've been able to do or accomplish. I guess that when your career and your life in general comes to the end, you can sit and do nothing. The learning has ceased. The body has grown old. The things in life are paid for.

But I am now sixty two and not ninety two.

I just turned sixty when I fell while my head had to cushion the fall. I'm now about two weeks away from my head injury date and time has passed faster than I could keep up with. My memory remembers six months, not two years. It's a heightened sense of time passing quickly without it ever being noticed. Everything I've earned is now gone with my job ending, my home sold and much more. SSDI is a long process. Financially I wonder how we'll make it.

Making the decision to eat, exercise, read or feel less than ninety plus is difficult. Sincerely, it makes desire, strength and decision making a heavy task. I manage to get out of bed and eventually to shower and what I can add for housework. I try to walk every day. All normalcy has come to an end.
Physically, the injury effected my once well controlled glucose. I have worked on highly strict control and have brought it under control. My blood pressure was also once again high but it has come down with effective work and assistance. Imbalance continues to come and go.

Falling asleep runs sporadic. My today has finished , tomorrow to come. Time for sleep is now is controlled by something other than me. It's a wheel. Experiences of one day do not predict the experiences of the next.  I am driving again but in well know areas. The guy who drove cross country now goes no where. So I sit home feeling lonely with no place to go. If a gathering is arranged and an invite is sent my way, I am apt to sit home and feel lonely.

I have been trying a "just do it" form of therapy. Instead of not doing I am trying to do. I have come to realize that if I want a garden to grow I must plant and cultivate and tend to it. My thoughts and feelings and ambition focus way beyond the garden. So, I am working to drop a list of what I should do to using focus on the garden. Me.

Let's Take a Break

Experiencing an injury is as a curve in the road that came unexpected. Some may stop suddenly, go up over the curb or up on a hill. Some may go over the cliff with the unexpected outcome so shockingly so.
I can only write of my experience in a hope that you may find positive some which has helped me. Not that I have secrets to share but maybe a way to discuss climbimg out of the ditch.
In 1987 I underwent a severe back injury which placed me on a long path to recovery. Loaded with pills and a cane and a brace with a t.e.n.s. unit, I decided to look outside the box. I was stuck.
I began to read about medication and supplements that others found helpful. Not just believing what I read of course, I just read deeper. I read Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr Bernie Siegel and discovered responses and fears and expectations regarding injury and illness.

I signed up for FeldenKrais Therapy. which I believe would now be helpful for TBI. My teacher gave me some tapes made by her husband (Josef Dellagrotte) with Taoist healing meditations. The Inner Smile, The Movement of Chi and the Six Healing Sounds.

Practice opened doors and improved my physical movement. Based on non traditional help I also went for Acupuncture. Regardless of thought or opinion this work/practice stimulated the body and brain helping me progress wherein others I knew seemed to rest in where they were. They had "bad backs" that captivated their lives. Their careers. Their thoughts and conversations.

I have practiced with meditation for years. Since my TBI it has become difficult. I'm not a Guru or teacher. Just someone who has been active and non active with daily practice. I'm working on it. Years ago I learned some Tai Chi and Qigong along the way. Helpful learning. I first read Jon Kabat-Zinn years ago. Along with many other related books, even others by him, I learned in a good way.

Surviving a brain injury is different for us all. I have however seen that pre-injury and post injury we all have something in common. We spend too much time having our thoughts captivated by the before and after of things. Always thinking about unreality. We feel it in our bodies and emotionally with our minds. After brain injury people often become stuck in who they were. What they did or could do. What does it accomplish really. Anger. Depression. Physical stress.

Looking ahead, we want to be this or have something go away. The thought and stress accomplishes what? Headaches? Nervous stomachs? Tight muscles? So depressed that we want to end it now?

Learning Mindfulness Meditation is only a way to learn on how to accept reality. That means awareness of now. Mentally and hence physically and psychologically burdened accomplishes nothing but stress, anger, depression and anxiety; where nothing positive can be produced.

Mindfulness is a practice. Not a race. Not a goal. Lighten up. It can be surprisingly humorous. Seriously. When beginning the practice, relaxing yet straightening the back and body whether sitting on a chair, a cushion or stump you learn to follow the breath and let thoughts pass as clouds in the sky. C'mon! It's a practice, not a race. You're learning. It is funny sitting and breathing and you begin to pat yourself on the back.

"Man, I'm great at meditation!"

Your thoughts float off into great positive thinking. Like I'm flying on a magic carpet. I feel so relaxed!

Then you realize that following your thought is what's going on. Breath? I'm just breathing. LOL Through following the breath and letting the thoughts go on their own takes practice. Practice. PRACTICE! LOL!

In other words, what I'm trying to say is that Mindfulness helps teach us that thoughts, feelings and emotions stuck on yesterday and tomorrow captivates us. "Living" in the present moment frees us. It is not magic. It is practice helping free us from thoughts which captivate our minds and body focused on that which is past or future filling our minds and body with stress and anxiety.

I would suggest that you read the book. Letting go is more useful than hanging onto what has passed or is what you wish for. Let me know what you think?

Executive Functioning, Ct'd.....

Originally, I went through the list on the last post. I noted how I matched up on one through ten. I wanted to note from a personal level where I found or saw myself when matched to the list. I later felt that it was pointless and deleted. Conversation or sharing is good. I was never a group minded person before or after my injury. Conversation is important. Grouping for me appears to contain too much personality and not enough heart.
That's me.
Don't take it personal.
Next, I'm listing Neural Fatigue.

Executive Functioning.

Undergoing a period of self examination so that I can better understand my brain injury. Executive functioning is self control which falters after an injury. I have found three brain locations that are responsible for the executive functioning. A brain injury may effect one or all three areas. Each area controls different levels of executive functioning.

My examination and conclusion dictates that Anterior Cingulate Cortex is my area of injury and I seek to better understand it. I am not a medical professional and I recognize that I may be in error.

To quote a statement found within the Rainbow Rehabilitation Center website; The executive functions are a set of processes that all have to do with managing oneself and one's resources in order to achieve a goal. It is an umbrella term for the neurologically based skills involving mental control and self regulation. Executive functions are the most advanced of cognitive functions, housed primarily in the frontal lobes, they allow an individual the following necessary functions:

1. Inhibition - The ability to stop one's own behavior at the appropriate time, including stopping actions and thoughts. The flip side of inhibition is impulsivity.
2. Shift - The ability to move freely from one situation to another and to think flexibly in order to respond appropriately to the situation. 
3. Emotional Control and Self-Regulation - The ability to modulate emotional responses by bringing rational thought to bear on feelings.
4. Initiation - The ability to begin a task or activity and to independently generate ideas, responses, or problem-solving strategies, and to take Responsibilities.
5. Working memory - The capacity to hold information in mind for the purpose of completing a task. 
6. Planning/Organization - The ability to manage current and future- oriented task demands. 
7. Organization of Materials - The ability to impose order on work, play, and storage spaces.
8. Self-Monitoring - The ability to monitor one's own performance and to measure it against some standard of what is needed or expected. 
9. Communication - The ability to communicate needs and manage expectations in personal and professional communications.
10. Accountability - The ability to take ownership over responsibilities. Taking risks and responsibilities

Grief

Experiencing days of feeling tearful and sad.  In typical fashion I examine myself for the cause. Depressed due to my TBI? A genetic bump from the injury? Feeling sorry for myself? Those on the outside always have an opinion. And truthfully to my credit, I watch, observe and listen. It's simple to form a belief, a feeling or an opinion. Weird as it may appear, I struggle with things without really knowing what is at the heart of the matter.
The truth of the matter is I'm experiencing grief. Memories of yesterday are only of value when we learn. As a human being learning can come through pain. But let's look at reality. With two legs severed off recovery takes time. Literally and emotionally we are now forever changed.Walking, running or dancing and eventually climbing upstairs. It comes slow.
Thinking of Brain Injury it seems more like this: The universe of self explodes and reforms. What if Mars exchanged places with our moon and the moon exploded into the sun and Venus up and disappeared? Surviving and continuation is still expected and worked on. Self explosion is confusing. More so than losing your legs.
Well, whatever. It is different. Unrecognized by us, the survivors or by those who knew us best or least. Grief ends. Life continues. Some do their best while others grieve their loses forever.
I would rather fight while my only issue currently is my trouble in training for a tomorrow.
I must learn how to regain my strength in every fashion.
Meanwhile, I sleep and I cry and watch my chickens all day.
Dammit!

The River of Life

On this day in 2003 me mum died unexpectedly. Unexpectedly in that she was built to exceed ninety plus years. Her liver shut down shortly after a hip replacement. May have strongly bid for an attorney but unexpected things make the family move on in shock.
This picture was taken in the early 1950's. She sits in thought.
Prior to my Brain Injury I had opportunity to sit in no-thought. Meditation allows thought to enter the mind like clouds do the sky. We are able to watch them cross from one horizon the the other. Change shapes, size and color.
We grab tightly to thought which manifests as a rudder forcing us along on the sky of life. We are born and we know also that one day we shall also die. From birth to death emotions such as fear and anxiety, depression and anger, love or lust or greed or desire can either steer or be observed.
My Brain Injury has taken over my (??) whereby I emotion has excessive authority. Physically I am altered in undesirable way. The mechanism of the human brain has also been changed.
It is confusing and appears that feeling anxious and depressed is reasonable. And I concur. I believe that the issue lies with grabbing emotion and letting it drag us along or being able to observe its arrival and departure.
It is a Practice. One that I have dropped and continue to find like a hot potato. I don't want to give up. I may need a little Ativan to assist. A little. The future now, appears more mysterious that it did five or ten years ado. Do I want to struggle in the river of life or learn how to ride it?
Oh well.... I miss you Mum. I give you love and apologies. I wish that you could have met Ann. You would really like her.

Seriously

 Someone with TBI might stop by here to learn the latest news. And I like that. I love American History and much more. Reading is not as generating for me as it used to be. Writing as well. It is a TBI struggle.

I would like to offer good words of inspiration.

As of now, I cannot.

When I can I will.

Things are hard.

Yes I am

A Square Peg

                     Trying to fit into

                                                a Round Hole

Pros and Cons of Solitude

I find that associating with brain injury groups I feel out of sorts. Sadly, as if I'm a black man who is trying to pass himself off as a white dude. I don't Want To fit in.

Sad?

Seeing those I know also has me feeling as though I want to leave. Things I feel are unknown. My thoughts, my feelings and my hidden struggles. I feel disabled. A very hidden disability. Trying to blend (?) with either side drives me to being alone.ou

I have experienced the sometimes freedom of meeting those who know nothing about me. I do feel free and light.

Do you experience the same? Anything close?

Brain Injury Destination

Destination: The place that someone or something is going or being sent

Prior or post brain injury, do we really have a place we are going or being sent? 

Post and prior we assume that plans, goals and wishes are destinations. I think not. Unless you're thinking like the ships of 1492. Plans for finding east by going west and finding what you never expected. 

I don't know if I'm going east or west. Destination? No... No idea what place I'm going to or being sent (physically, mentally, brain function) It will be a surprise? 

Damned if I know.

I Am Sorry

I recently read a story about people interviewed while on their death beds.
Do they have any regret now that their book is slowly closing
The common regret was being sorry for choices they wish were different. Regret for challenges they were afraid to make. Traveling, better decisions, making more friends and supporting family better and so on.
I could alter the list. It's not a wall of agreeable regrets held by all.
Regrets I feel are real but not necessarily anything more than just being human. We all did the best we could do. We all deal with apprehension and fear. We have heavy choices. Life is hard. Driving across the State can make us regret that we didn't use a map or maybe we should have turned left at the last sign.
But I too, I guess, have a regret. One where I feel that I must say, "I am sorry."
I am not sure why but I feel I must take responsibility.
Is it real?
How much time do we use to struggle with an I should of or could of or why didn't I?
This is a common human experience. After a brain injury, I have read and seen and experienced how much the common human experience is accelerated. A hump on our back where we feel laden with too heavy a burden. Wishing we acted differently. Thinking that our emotions/feelings now create more regret than a rational plan for action instead of regret and/or apology.
It's not easy being me right now. Or for you being you! In trying to paddle down a high rapid river practicing at control and not only emotion aids in finding shore.
I want us to be patient with ourselves but work hard. Thoughts and emotions of negative quality can be lessened, with practice.
It's not easy. Some days are just the days that they are. A day of walking close to tears. One of feeling angry. It is not us!
So, what can we do?

Roomful of Mirrors

Time to get up! Or wake up. Or maybe go back to sleep. One day it's nine a.m. and another it's eleven.
Surviving a Brain Injury every day is different. It is like living in a roomful of mirrors and being unable to tell right from left or up from down. Every reflection reveals different thinking and thus feelings and perspective.
Consistency!
Where has it gone?
Hence days or weeks with time plus or minus, no wonder focus is unreachable. Body and emotions and thinking. A merry go round or a roomful of mirrors or both?
That's the hard part. I work at it by thinking about weather. In summer we don't mind a rainy day. But when the temps drops by twenty five degrees and it continues for several days, we beg for change. We endure because we know that soon the sun will shine.
Winter? It can be a bit more difficult. Snow, cold and dark with feeling that we can go on no longer. But for most of us, we have to.
I want the mirrors cleared out. The merry go round burned. No more time in the long winters of New England unless I can afford a few weeks west or south.
Bah!