Finding Myself or Losing Myself after TBI

After a traumatic brain injury survivors miss who they were while struggling with the complications of who they now appear to be. Cognitive, physical and psychological have shifted. Not being able to accomplish what you often took for granted is discouraging. Aspects of daily living such as doing things easily, feeling strong and going with the flow find us now in a different place.
I now feel like I'm ninety five. I need much sleep and move slowly. Every day is different and every day the same. Slow days filled with the feeling that I'm just waiting for the day when my end of life steps in. Putter around, accomplish little.
Since my day of injury things have improved. Slowly. I have a long way to go. But where am I going?
With all of this added time I am trying to find myself. Or perhaps I'm losing myself.
What is self?
Who am I looking for?
I've never been a fit in. High School graduation I stayed home and dropped by later to pick up my diploma. When eighteen I didn't register for Selective Service. Turning nineteen soon I finally did. They sent me a packet of lined correspondence for my explanation on why I never registered.
"Because I never got around to it," I wrote back.
College Graduation, I played horse shoes and received my diploma in the mail.
I worked towards ordination. Whoops.
I've always studied and read and sought a truthful balance. Following for following sake? I question authority. I don't believe every word and prefer fingers which point the way so that I can see for myself.
I was a Freemason and served as Chaplin. E-gad.
The world and everything in it isn't seen by me as complicated. It is seen by me as purposely delusional. Like a thick wood, only some make it through.
Finding myself now where I am closely hermit-ted in a many faceted way, the wood is thinned.

Shut Up Brain Injured Dolt!!!

As I earlier stated, out of politeness we're often asked about how we're doing. Friends and family and such want to hear if we're doing better. It's common. Whether it's the flu or a broken leg people often ask about our well being after injury or sickness.

Our hope and that of theirs is to hear of good times. If a year later and more we express our weakness and difficulty it in reality wears them out. It does.

I'm working on keeping my mouth shut. With brain injury we're too aware of the fact that we have moved. Moved away from who we were. How we felt. How we did things. The world has changed. Or is it that only we have changed?

I might stop writing. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut..

Brain Injury Death Game

Immediately after my injury the paramedics were unsure if I would survive. My few memories of being in the ICU I believed I shared the room with many wounded soldiers. Months later when we moved into a different home I sensed ghosts and dealt with them for a month. We worked out an agreement.

Yeah, a brain injury is a weird place to wake up to. As we try to explain how much things have changed it's truly beyond explanation. The rules change. Our entire being has moved into a new dimension.

I have entered into periods of suicidal thought. I have entered into a desire to fight and swear. I have jabbered my nights through dreams like great novels or frightening tales were being laid out before me.

It weirdly seems as though the Spirit of Death's attention was drawn by any almost there experience. As though it believes that it drew a good card from the deck of our life. They say that a cat has nine lives. How many do we have? The lack of skipping and singing my life through hints that my nine lives have shortened. But my mind does not want to work like that. I spread my awareness across today and away from yesterday and tomorrow. This type of awareness of thought is due to my days of meditation. Do I still meditate?

Huh?

It seems like a "pick something" game. For cognitive injury you reach in and choose. How many?

For physical. For psychological. Not sure how each bag fills up but once a survivor you do find others who picked similar to you. Some? Oh, shit. Depressing and sad and glad where I am. Only through comparison I guess. Not that I'm complacent with my picks. In my struggle for the surface for much breathable air, what if I were locked inside myself in a long term care facility?

No. This is not a good time. If I met the Spirit of Death  face to face,I have maintained my desire to never bow.

I challenge.

Brain Battery loss

What many TBI survivors experience is the battery of the brain running low. As we reach a level of improvement we find periods of strength. Fatigue is still present but through care giving and support and many types of therapy we do begin to find our feet under us return. Yes, we are different. Life and our reaction to it is a foreign world.

As survivors we know well the experience of three steps forward and two steps back. Even two steps forward and four back. It is difficult, to say the least. We can also tell of moving forward (?) and feeling perhaps more confident. It resembles riding a block of ice through and ice flow. When the water gets rough what we're riding on gets slippery. Hanging on is hard.

Today, I awoke like I took bad mescaline and woke up in some weird tent in a hard to get my bearings community. It brought me back to the early days of hospital release. Emotionally my fear and tears floated just below the surface. My fatigue was similar to losing my IQ. Imbalance and dizziness returned. My neck was tight and hurt. A feeling of isolation was present. The day's end is present. I napped this afternoon and it felt like five minutes, not ninety minutes. Hope felt lessened.

I hope to sleep very late tomorrow.

The Depression Game

We can likely agree that depression travels the world and lights upon as many as it can. I could discuss depression on many levels based on multiple thoughts but my primary reason is about you and me.

Depression is not exactly the same for all of us. And because we are designed differently and our traumatic brain injuries are not all identical, depression treatment can also vary. I have observed that many years of meditation brought me into a position of being observational without judgement.. Meditation helps one come to an analogy point of one watching clouds drift from horizon to horizon. We watch the clouds on a blue sky. If watching our thoughts come and go as we do the clouds we are not under the tutorial of our thinking. With practice, cloudy or raining or winter creates watching and non-judgmental awareness.

The result of having a TBI is we loose our groove. Like the needle on a record we begin to skip or fly off the record entirely. Then we often search for the same record or some way of placing the needle back in the groove.

When I awaken from a negative or a restful sleep getting up to greet the day is usually a battle. The depressive drive desires that I sit and wallow and want escape more than I want today. In the depression game I seek to do the opposite. Like being tired and worn out I know that I must continue my path and not lie down at the end of the field. Difficult, but in time one learns that this is a winning move. Not easy.

How do you continue on?