I have skill enough to do or practice several things, as we all do. Pretty good cook. Simple mechanics. Exercise, meditate and work. Avid reader, goof off guitar. I am happy with things that I've been able to do or accomplish. I guess that when your career and your life in general comes to the end, you can sit and do nothing. The learning has ceased. The body has grown old. The things in life are paid for.
But I am now sixty two and not ninety two.
I just turned sixty when I fell while my head had to cushion the fall. I'm now about two weeks away from my head injury date and time has passed faster than I could keep up with. My memory remembers six months, not two years. It's a heightened sense of time passing quickly without it ever being noticed. Everything I've earned is now gone with my job ending, my home sold and much more. SSDI is a long process. Financially I wonder how we'll make it.
Making the decision to eat, exercise, read or feel less than ninety plus is difficult. Sincerely, it makes desire, strength and decision making a heavy task. I manage to get out of bed and eventually to shower and what I can add for housework. I try to walk every day. All normalcy has come to an end.
Physically, the injury effected my once well controlled glucose. I have worked on highly strict control and have brought it under control. My blood pressure was also once again high but it has come down with effective work and assistance. Imbalance continues to come and go.
Falling asleep runs sporadic. My today has finished , tomorrow to come. Time for sleep is now is controlled by something other than me. It's a wheel. Experiences of one day do not predict the experiences of the next. I am driving again but in well know areas. The guy who drove cross country now goes no where. So I sit home feeling lonely with no place to go. If a gathering is arranged and an invite is sent my way, I am apt to sit home and feel lonely.
I have been trying a "just do it" form of therapy. Instead of not doing I am trying to do. I have come to realize that if I want a garden to grow I must plant and cultivate and tend to it. My thoughts and feelings and ambition focus way beyond the garden. So, I am working to drop a list of what I should do to using focus on the garden. Me.
