Let's Take a Break

Experiencing an injury is as a curve in the road that came unexpected. Some may stop suddenly, go up over the curb or up on a hill. Some may go over the cliff with the unexpected outcome so shockingly so.
I can only write of my experience in a hope that you may find positive some which has helped me. Not that I have secrets to share but maybe a way to discuss climbimg out of the ditch.
In 1987 I underwent a severe back injury which placed me on a long path to recovery. Loaded with pills and a cane and a brace with a t.e.n.s. unit, I decided to look outside the box. I was stuck.
I began to read about medication and supplements that others found helpful. Not just believing what I read of course, I just read deeper. I read Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr Bernie Siegel and discovered responses and fears and expectations regarding injury and illness.

I signed up for FeldenKrais Therapy. which I believe would now be helpful for TBI. My teacher gave me some tapes made by her husband (Josef Dellagrotte) with Taoist healing meditations. The Inner Smile, The Movement of Chi and the Six Healing Sounds.

Practice opened doors and improved my physical movement. Based on non traditional help I also went for Acupuncture. Regardless of thought or opinion this work/practice stimulated the body and brain helping me progress wherein others I knew seemed to rest in where they were. They had "bad backs" that captivated their lives. Their careers. Their thoughts and conversations.

I have practiced with meditation for years. Since my TBI it has become difficult. I'm not a Guru or teacher. Just someone who has been active and non active with daily practice. I'm working on it. Years ago I learned some Tai Chi and Qigong along the way. Helpful learning. I first read Jon Kabat-Zinn years ago. Along with many other related books, even others by him, I learned in a good way.

Surviving a brain injury is different for us all. I have however seen that pre-injury and post injury we all have something in common. We spend too much time having our thoughts captivated by the before and after of things. Always thinking about unreality. We feel it in our bodies and emotionally with our minds. After brain injury people often become stuck in who they were. What they did or could do. What does it accomplish really. Anger. Depression. Physical stress.

Looking ahead, we want to be this or have something go away. The thought and stress accomplishes what? Headaches? Nervous stomachs? Tight muscles? So depressed that we want to end it now?

Learning Mindfulness Meditation is only a way to learn on how to accept reality. That means awareness of now. Mentally and hence physically and psychologically burdened accomplishes nothing but stress, anger, depression and anxiety; where nothing positive can be produced.

Mindfulness is a practice. Not a race. Not a goal. Lighten up. It can be surprisingly humorous. Seriously. When beginning the practice, relaxing yet straightening the back and body whether sitting on a chair, a cushion or stump you learn to follow the breath and let thoughts pass as clouds in the sky. C'mon! It's a practice, not a race. You're learning. It is funny sitting and breathing and you begin to pat yourself on the back.

"Man, I'm great at meditation!"

Your thoughts float off into great positive thinking. Like I'm flying on a magic carpet. I feel so relaxed!

Then you realize that following your thought is what's going on. Breath? I'm just breathing. LOL Through following the breath and letting the thoughts go on their own takes practice. Practice. PRACTICE! LOL!

In other words, what I'm trying to say is that Mindfulness helps teach us that thoughts, feelings and emotions stuck on yesterday and tomorrow captivates us. "Living" in the present moment frees us. It is not magic. It is practice helping free us from thoughts which captivate our minds and body focused on that which is past or future filling our minds and body with stress and anxiety.

I would suggest that you read the book. Letting go is more useful than hanging onto what has passed or is what you wish for. Let me know what you think?

Executive Functioning, Ct'd.....

Originally, I went through the list on the last post. I noted how I matched up on one through ten. I wanted to note from a personal level where I found or saw myself when matched to the list. I later felt that it was pointless and deleted. Conversation or sharing is good. I was never a group minded person before or after my injury. Conversation is important. Grouping for me appears to contain too much personality and not enough heart.
That's me.
Don't take it personal.
Next, I'm listing Neural Fatigue.

Executive Functioning.

Undergoing a period of self examination so that I can better understand my brain injury. Executive functioning is self control which falters after an injury. I have found three brain locations that are responsible for the executive functioning. A brain injury may effect one or all three areas. Each area controls different levels of executive functioning.

My examination and conclusion dictates that Anterior Cingulate Cortex is my area of injury and I seek to better understand it. I am not a medical professional and I recognize that I may be in error.

To quote a statement found within the Rainbow Rehabilitation Center website; The executive functions are a set of processes that all have to do with managing oneself and one's resources in order to achieve a goal. It is an umbrella term for the neurologically based skills involving mental control and self regulation. Executive functions are the most advanced of cognitive functions, housed primarily in the frontal lobes, they allow an individual the following necessary functions:

1. Inhibition - The ability to stop one's own behavior at the appropriate time, including stopping actions and thoughts. The flip side of inhibition is impulsivity.
2. Shift - The ability to move freely from one situation to another and to think flexibly in order to respond appropriately to the situation. 
3. Emotional Control and Self-Regulation - The ability to modulate emotional responses by bringing rational thought to bear on feelings.
4. Initiation - The ability to begin a task or activity and to independently generate ideas, responses, or problem-solving strategies, and to take Responsibilities.
5. Working memory - The capacity to hold information in mind for the purpose of completing a task. 
6. Planning/Organization - The ability to manage current and future- oriented task demands. 
7. Organization of Materials - The ability to impose order on work, play, and storage spaces.
8. Self-Monitoring - The ability to monitor one's own performance and to measure it against some standard of what is needed or expected. 
9. Communication - The ability to communicate needs and manage expectations in personal and professional communications.
10. Accountability - The ability to take ownership over responsibilities. Taking risks and responsibilities

Grief

Experiencing days of feeling tearful and sad.  In typical fashion I examine myself for the cause. Depressed due to my TBI? A genetic bump from the injury? Feeling sorry for myself? Those on the outside always have an opinion. And truthfully to my credit, I watch, observe and listen. It's simple to form a belief, a feeling or an opinion. Weird as it may appear, I struggle with things without really knowing what is at the heart of the matter.
The truth of the matter is I'm experiencing grief. Memories of yesterday are only of value when we learn. As a human being learning can come through pain. But let's look at reality. With two legs severed off recovery takes time. Literally and emotionally we are now forever changed.Walking, running or dancing and eventually climbing upstairs. It comes slow.
Thinking of Brain Injury it seems more like this: The universe of self explodes and reforms. What if Mars exchanged places with our moon and the moon exploded into the sun and Venus up and disappeared? Surviving and continuation is still expected and worked on. Self explosion is confusing. More so than losing your legs.
Well, whatever. It is different. Unrecognized by us, the survivors or by those who knew us best or least. Grief ends. Life continues. Some do their best while others grieve their loses forever.
I would rather fight while my only issue currently is my trouble in training for a tomorrow.
I must learn how to regain my strength in every fashion.
Meanwhile, I sleep and I cry and watch my chickens all day.
Dammit!