The River of Life

On this day in 2003 me mum died unexpectedly. Unexpectedly in that she was built to exceed ninety plus years. Her liver shut down shortly after a hip replacement. May have strongly bid for an attorney but unexpected things make the family move on in shock.
This picture was taken in the early 1950's. She sits in thought.
Prior to my Brain Injury I had opportunity to sit in no-thought. Meditation allows thought to enter the mind like clouds do the sky. We are able to watch them cross from one horizon the the other. Change shapes, size and color.
We grab tightly to thought which manifests as a rudder forcing us along on the sky of life. We are born and we know also that one day we shall also die. From birth to death emotions such as fear and anxiety, depression and anger, love or lust or greed or desire can either steer or be observed.
My Brain Injury has taken over my (??) whereby I emotion has excessive authority. Physically I am altered in undesirable way. The mechanism of the human brain has also been changed.
It is confusing and appears that feeling anxious and depressed is reasonable. And I concur. I believe that the issue lies with grabbing emotion and letting it drag us along or being able to observe its arrival and departure.
It is a Practice. One that I have dropped and continue to find like a hot potato. I don't want to give up. I may need a little Ativan to assist. A little. The future now, appears more mysterious that it did five or ten years ado. Do I want to struggle in the river of life or learn how to ride it?
Oh well.... I miss you Mum. I give you love and apologies. I wish that you could have met Ann. You would really like her.

Seriously

 Someone with TBI might stop by here to learn the latest news. And I like that. I love American History and much more. Reading is not as generating for me as it used to be. Writing as well. It is a TBI struggle.

I would like to offer good words of inspiration.

As of now, I cannot.

When I can I will.

Things are hard.

Yes I am

A Square Peg

                     Trying to fit into

                                                a Round Hole

Pros and Cons of Solitude

I find that associating with brain injury groups I feel out of sorts. Sadly, as if I'm a black man who is trying to pass himself off as a white dude. I don't Want To fit in.

Sad?

Seeing those I know also has me feeling as though I want to leave. Things I feel are unknown. My thoughts, my feelings and my hidden struggles. I feel disabled. A very hidden disability. Trying to blend (?) with either side drives me to being alone.ou

I have experienced the sometimes freedom of meeting those who know nothing about me. I do feel free and light.

Do you experience the same? Anything close?

Brain Injury Destination

Destination: The place that someone or something is going or being sent

Prior or post brain injury, do we really have a place we are going or being sent? 

Post and prior we assume that plans, goals and wishes are destinations. I think not. Unless you're thinking like the ships of 1492. Plans for finding east by going west and finding what you never expected. 

I don't know if I'm going east or west. Destination? No... No idea what place I'm going to or being sent (physically, mentally, brain function) It will be a surprise? 

Damned if I know.

I Am Sorry

I recently read a story about people interviewed while on their death beds.
Do they have any regret now that their book is slowly closing
The common regret was being sorry for choices they wish were different. Regret for challenges they were afraid to make. Traveling, better decisions, making more friends and supporting family better and so on.
I could alter the list. It's not a wall of agreeable regrets held by all.
Regrets I feel are real but not necessarily anything more than just being human. We all did the best we could do. We all deal with apprehension and fear. We have heavy choices. Life is hard. Driving across the State can make us regret that we didn't use a map or maybe we should have turned left at the last sign.
But I too, I guess, have a regret. One where I feel that I must say, "I am sorry."
I am not sure why but I feel I must take responsibility.
Is it real?
How much time do we use to struggle with an I should of or could of or why didn't I?
This is a common human experience. After a brain injury, I have read and seen and experienced how much the common human experience is accelerated. A hump on our back where we feel laden with too heavy a burden. Wishing we acted differently. Thinking that our emotions/feelings now create more regret than a rational plan for action instead of regret and/or apology.
It's not easy being me right now. Or for you being you! In trying to paddle down a high rapid river practicing at control and not only emotion aids in finding shore.
I want us to be patient with ourselves but work hard. Thoughts and emotions of negative quality can be lessened, with practice.
It's not easy. Some days are just the days that they are. A day of walking close to tears. One of feeling angry. It is not us!
So, what can we do?

Roomful of Mirrors

Time to get up! Or wake up. Or maybe go back to sleep. One day it's nine a.m. and another it's eleven.
Surviving a Brain Injury every day is different. It is like living in a roomful of mirrors and being unable to tell right from left or up from down. Every reflection reveals different thinking and thus feelings and perspective.
Consistency!
Where has it gone?
Hence days or weeks with time plus or minus, no wonder focus is unreachable. Body and emotions and thinking. A merry go round or a roomful of mirrors or both?
That's the hard part. I work at it by thinking about weather. In summer we don't mind a rainy day. But when the temps drops by twenty five degrees and it continues for several days, we beg for change. We endure because we know that soon the sun will shine.
Winter? It can be a bit more difficult. Snow, cold and dark with feeling that we can go on no longer. But for most of us, we have to.
I want the mirrors cleared out. The merry go round burned. No more time in the long winters of New England unless I can afford a few weeks west or south.
Bah!

The Only Constant is Change...

• CHANGE

Growing up in a town of four precincts and very little police, things overall were calm. With the anti war protests of the 60's, hippies, civil rights issues and the killing of MLK and Bobbie Kennedy the force grew to full time. From one full timer to ten. 

Eight out of the ten and the Chief were good guys. I used to visit for hours and talk with a few favorites. The Chief nicknamed me, "Sport."

We had a gay guy in class and we didn't give a damn. We thought of a clean environment and always picked up after ourselves. Marijuana was in use with beer. We wanted Love and peace. Not war. 

Read this: 

Things become more militaristic. And LSD, then cocaine and much else seemed to flow in. The newer young generation didn't like blacks and litter became a new game. Love did turn aggressive and the music of the eighties, as music always does, slipped into a new era. The social discourse of music of the 60's and 70's turned into abandonment and fun. Neighbors and communities were ignored and front porches turned into back decks.

Life become more ambiguous with feelings and opinions bursting into the look of fireworks going every which way in sound, look and color.

For me, I sought balance and tune. The voice of Taoism and Buddhism helped immensely. I looked to ride the wave and lose punching and kicking in all directions. The last ten years unfurled an increase in life's complex problems and my meditation began to stutter. Unsettling emotions gained ground.

Then came the TBI. Traumatic Brain Injury. A kick in the balls that went straight to the head. Or visa versa. In my first year of recovery (?) focus was a big issue. As I began to read again or at least attempt to find things I could read with interest beyond a sentence or two, politics and social problems grabbed me by the short hairs. A replica of youth memories with a greater (in my view) control, bullshit and media manipulation of the American government. Anger and sickness due to the times became my rudder while love and compassion appeared as a delusion.

It still does.

Brain injury is complicated enough without adding the piles of shit which we have no control over. The industrial complex after WWII had us enter Korea, Vietnam and into the Middle East and beyond. Looking at world history as we know it none of this is new.

Looking for peace? Seek it out. Nurture it.

Bear! Bear! Bear???

I live among a wide variety of animals who were rarely present when I was young.
Not to digress but almost every conservative believes that regulatory laws destroy American freedoms and place too tight a restriction on business.
The argument against regulatory restriction when someone presents me their opinion is like cult like built on belief and not upon a lick of reasoning.
Weird.
I remember so well how the river ran a different color every day. Moose and Turkey was in Northern Maine and mostly Canada. Bears were few and far between. Deer were here but good fish and bird needed to be stocked regularly.
Take a trip into NYC? Dirty, blinding air pollution, sludge and stinky water. Yet the fight continues.
Wildlife abounds here. Clean water consistently fought for because it is an ongoing battle. I have moose, bobcat, bear, turkeys, deer, eagle, hawk and more that is only here due to regulatory law. Even the rivers now run clean and carry stocked fish as the existence of other would still carry a too abundant PCB.
It makes me wonder about how little brain injury has been discussed as a medical reality. Silly? Perhaps. But we can all agree on how football and other major sports have downsized their reality and their potential. It could be an option. You know, you could get hurt real bad, but you have a chance on making some good money!
For you and me, we may have had no option. Or maybe we made a mistake. I find it a little weird how large the percentage of Head Injury is and how little the percentage of physician understanding there is. It's growing.
With the right amount of medical help unrestrained by full knowledge of what's going on may begin to resemble cleaner waters and better things going on around us.
But again, I'm not asking anything beyond some understanding. In the very old days I could be led like Lennie Small from place to place or allowed to sleep in a barn because I shovel horse shit all day.
I'm not. I do receive medical help from the State. My caretaker looks after me very well. I have always been a person depended on by many. I have a helpful family and a few friends. But I read of many left in the cold. And SSDI is like an apple too high on the tree.
Well, I'm not complaining. The reality of life is what it is. Some readily suffer and die. Some just suffer. Some pull out.

Bicycle! Bicycle!

After three weeks in the hospital my release to rehab hospital dizzy stagger was the norm. Some of it was attributed to otosclerrosis and/or brain damage. It turns out that I have lost 96% of the hearing in my left ear due to the damage. Physical rehab has a technique where in using a manipulation and head spin your ear can be put back into balance. Doesn't heal your lack of hearing but it helps restore your balance. Through Qigong experience I did it myself. The inner ear was put back in order while the cochlear damage remains.
But imbalance comes and goes. A stiff neck, looking up pulls the trigger. Spins and a stagger. Not always. Unexpected!

Today I passed a bicycle rider examination. Becoming so out of shape and tired and dealing with the excess of brain drain days I do need this. Build slowly. Always wear a helmet. Don't push myself. I plan to hit the road about the home until it gets easier. When it does I will head down to rail trail. Scenic riding, paved trail. I haven't ridden in two years. It's a hopeful feeling.

Hopeful!