Let Us Not Fool Ourselves

Surviving a Traumatic Brain Injury is not a complex puzzle which we seek to understand and solve as if there are answers and solutions that will complete the puzzle. It's closer akin to a puzzle that was thrown about the neighborhood where some pieces were lost and where perhaps some were burnt in the nonsensical implosion.

No wonder why we experience depression and anxiety. Clarity, memory, walking upright and strong. We are in a difficult place. It's sweet when a survivor is able to write positive stories of change and success and at times make a living out of it. For many of us, we feel like we're partially clothed and hungry and are unsure on how we will find our way home. We sometimes find flowers of optimism which at times we share in an effort to feel good in sharing. In trying to find hope when finding others who suffer as we do.

It's a lonely occupation. An occupation that pays little and offers little hope of retirement. No wonder why we find ourselves crying and stumble forward in a wonder of where we may be going. It's not easy.  

Initiation - Just Do It!!

Executive Functioning and Completing a Task -

Planning - making plans for an activity
Initiation - taking the first step
Actually Doing -
Evaluation - carrying out the plans, monitor and self regulate
Changing/Improving - adjusting task as needed for improvement and success

After my Brain Injury, everyday tasks diminished until I sat like an old man or as though catatonia was moving in. Rising for work, before work plans were fully erased. Concentration, focus and following through on taken for granted tasks exist no more.

Going to bed and being able to sleep without the aid of medication. Sleeping nine hours and up to twelve hours. And naps are needed. Rising and doing more than a cup of coffee takes hours. With practice and determination I shower, wash a few dishes and sometimes make my bed.

Yippie!

I have been working with my therapist on a way to wake up / change things a bit. I am not fond of having medication being my Sherpa. It is true. Many known as being famous climbers would never have made it without the aide and assistance provided by the Sherpa. Medication, as well as a Sherpa, is required and can only do so much. For starters I am coming to recognize that I am not a mountain climber. I must start slow. Do something! Full responsibility falls not on the Sherpa. So the therapist suggested that I attempt a "Just do it" approach where I can.

And it works! Not easy. Small things, like regardless of how I feel, get up. Feed chickens. Do dishes. Make bed. Shower. Try adding a few other things. Seriously, it's not that easy. Catatonia calls.

I am one week away from my two year head injury anniversary. As a marked point I have a "Do It" plan. With imbalance, weakness and an ability to only now walk a block, I need to strengthen myself. I know how and what to do.

Tai Chi and Qigong simple warm ups.
Simple Feldenkrais movements.
Core strengthening Planking.

It's a start.

Just do it!

Executive Dysfunction

I have skill enough to do or practice several things, as we all do. Pretty good cook. Simple mechanics. Exercise, meditate and work. Avid reader, goof off guitar. I am happy with things that I've been able to do or accomplish. I guess that when your career and your life in general comes to the end, you can sit and do nothing. The learning has ceased. The body has grown old. The things in life are paid for.

But I am now sixty two and not ninety two.

I just turned sixty when I fell while my head had to cushion the fall. I'm now about two weeks away from my head injury date and time has passed faster than I could keep up with. My memory remembers six months, not two years. It's a heightened sense of time passing quickly without it ever being noticed. Everything I've earned is now gone with my job ending, my home sold and much more. SSDI is a long process. Financially I wonder how we'll make it.

Making the decision to eat, exercise, read or feel less than ninety plus is difficult. Sincerely, it makes desire, strength and decision making a heavy task. I manage to get out of bed and eventually to shower and what I can add for housework. I try to walk every day. All normalcy has come to an end.
Physically, the injury effected my once well controlled glucose. I have worked on highly strict control and have brought it under control. My blood pressure was also once again high but it has come down with effective work and assistance. Imbalance continues to come and go.

Falling asleep runs sporadic. My today has finished , tomorrow to come. Time for sleep is now is controlled by something other than me. It's a wheel. Experiences of one day do not predict the experiences of the next.  I am driving again but in well know areas. The guy who drove cross country now goes no where. So I sit home feeling lonely with no place to go. If a gathering is arranged and an invite is sent my way, I am apt to sit home and feel lonely.

I have been trying a "just do it" form of therapy. Instead of not doing I am trying to do. I have come to realize that if I want a garden to grow I must plant and cultivate and tend to it. My thoughts and feelings and ambition focus way beyond the garden. So, I am working to drop a list of what I should do to using focus on the garden. Me.

Let's Take a Break

Experiencing an injury is as a curve in the road that came unexpected. Some may stop suddenly, go up over the curb or up on a hill. Some may go over the cliff with the unexpected outcome so shockingly so.
I can only write of my experience in a hope that you may find positive some which has helped me. Not that I have secrets to share but maybe a way to discuss climbimg out of the ditch.
In 1987 I underwent a severe back injury which placed me on a long path to recovery. Loaded with pills and a cane and a brace with a t.e.n.s. unit, I decided to look outside the box. I was stuck.
I began to read about medication and supplements that others found helpful. Not just believing what I read of course, I just read deeper. I read Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr Bernie Siegel and discovered responses and fears and expectations regarding injury and illness.

I signed up for FeldenKrais Therapy. which I believe would now be helpful for TBI. My teacher gave me some tapes made by her husband (Josef Dellagrotte) with Taoist healing meditations. The Inner Smile, The Movement of Chi and the Six Healing Sounds.

Practice opened doors and improved my physical movement. Based on non traditional help I also went for Acupuncture. Regardless of thought or opinion this work/practice stimulated the body and brain helping me progress wherein others I knew seemed to rest in where they were. They had "bad backs" that captivated their lives. Their careers. Their thoughts and conversations.

I have practiced with meditation for years. Since my TBI it has become difficult. I'm not a Guru or teacher. Just someone who has been active and non active with daily practice. I'm working on it. Years ago I learned some Tai Chi and Qigong along the way. Helpful learning. I first read Jon Kabat-Zinn years ago. Along with many other related books, even others by him, I learned in a good way.

Surviving a brain injury is different for us all. I have however seen that pre-injury and post injury we all have something in common. We spend too much time having our thoughts captivated by the before and after of things. Always thinking about unreality. We feel it in our bodies and emotionally with our minds. After brain injury people often become stuck in who they were. What they did or could do. What does it accomplish really. Anger. Depression. Physical stress.

Looking ahead, we want to be this or have something go away. The thought and stress accomplishes what? Headaches? Nervous stomachs? Tight muscles? So depressed that we want to end it now?

Learning Mindfulness Meditation is only a way to learn on how to accept reality. That means awareness of now. Mentally and hence physically and psychologically burdened accomplishes nothing but stress, anger, depression and anxiety; where nothing positive can be produced.

Mindfulness is a practice. Not a race. Not a goal. Lighten up. It can be surprisingly humorous. Seriously. When beginning the practice, relaxing yet straightening the back and body whether sitting on a chair, a cushion or stump you learn to follow the breath and let thoughts pass as clouds in the sky. C'mon! It's a practice, not a race. You're learning. It is funny sitting and breathing and you begin to pat yourself on the back.

"Man, I'm great at meditation!"

Your thoughts float off into great positive thinking. Like I'm flying on a magic carpet. I feel so relaxed!

Then you realize that following your thought is what's going on. Breath? I'm just breathing. LOL Through following the breath and letting the thoughts go on their own takes practice. Practice. PRACTICE! LOL!

In other words, what I'm trying to say is that Mindfulness helps teach us that thoughts, feelings and emotions stuck on yesterday and tomorrow captivates us. "Living" in the present moment frees us. It is not magic. It is practice helping free us from thoughts which captivate our minds and body focused on that which is past or future filling our minds and body with stress and anxiety.

I would suggest that you read the book. Letting go is more useful than hanging onto what has passed or is what you wish for. Let me know what you think?

Executive Functioning, Ct'd.....

Originally, I went through the list on the last post. I noted how I matched up on one through ten. I wanted to note from a personal level where I found or saw myself when matched to the list. I later felt that it was pointless and deleted. Conversation or sharing is good. I was never a group minded person before or after my injury. Conversation is important. Grouping for me appears to contain too much personality and not enough heart.
That's me.
Don't take it personal.
Next, I'm listing Neural Fatigue.

Executive Functioning.

Undergoing a period of self examination so that I can better understand my brain injury. Executive functioning is self control which falters after an injury. I have found three brain locations that are responsible for the executive functioning. A brain injury may effect one or all three areas. Each area controls different levels of executive functioning.

My examination and conclusion dictates that Anterior Cingulate Cortex is my area of injury and I seek to better understand it. I am not a medical professional and I recognize that I may be in error.

To quote a statement found within the Rainbow Rehabilitation Center website; The executive functions are a set of processes that all have to do with managing oneself and one's resources in order to achieve a goal. It is an umbrella term for the neurologically based skills involving mental control and self regulation. Executive functions are the most advanced of cognitive functions, housed primarily in the frontal lobes, they allow an individual the following necessary functions:

1. Inhibition - The ability to stop one's own behavior at the appropriate time, including stopping actions and thoughts. The flip side of inhibition is impulsivity.
2. Shift - The ability to move freely from one situation to another and to think flexibly in order to respond appropriately to the situation. 
3. Emotional Control and Self-Regulation - The ability to modulate emotional responses by bringing rational thought to bear on feelings.
4. Initiation - The ability to begin a task or activity and to independently generate ideas, responses, or problem-solving strategies, and to take Responsibilities.
5. Working memory - The capacity to hold information in mind for the purpose of completing a task. 
6. Planning/Organization - The ability to manage current and future- oriented task demands. 
7. Organization of Materials - The ability to impose order on work, play, and storage spaces.
8. Self-Monitoring - The ability to monitor one's own performance and to measure it against some standard of what is needed or expected. 
9. Communication - The ability to communicate needs and manage expectations in personal and professional communications.
10. Accountability - The ability to take ownership over responsibilities. Taking risks and responsibilities

Grief

Experiencing days of feeling tearful and sad.  In typical fashion I examine myself for the cause. Depressed due to my TBI? A genetic bump from the injury? Feeling sorry for myself? Those on the outside always have an opinion. And truthfully to my credit, I watch, observe and listen. It's simple to form a belief, a feeling or an opinion. Weird as it may appear, I struggle with things without really knowing what is at the heart of the matter.
The truth of the matter is I'm experiencing grief. Memories of yesterday are only of value when we learn. As a human being learning can come through pain. But let's look at reality. With two legs severed off recovery takes time. Literally and emotionally we are now forever changed.Walking, running or dancing and eventually climbing upstairs. It comes slow.
Thinking of Brain Injury it seems more like this: The universe of self explodes and reforms. What if Mars exchanged places with our moon and the moon exploded into the sun and Venus up and disappeared? Surviving and continuation is still expected and worked on. Self explosion is confusing. More so than losing your legs.
Well, whatever. It is different. Unrecognized by us, the survivors or by those who knew us best or least. Grief ends. Life continues. Some do their best while others grieve their loses forever.
I would rather fight while my only issue currently is my trouble in training for a tomorrow.
I must learn how to regain my strength in every fashion.
Meanwhile, I sleep and I cry and watch my chickens all day.
Dammit!