Yes, Going Hemingway

I am not at the top of the mountain. I speak of positive steps based on the aid they give. Any encouragement and a pointing of the way is for me as well as for you. Perhaps it is only for me. I am sad and crying and thinking too hard of the life that I have lived. Not that I made mistake after mistake. I did not. Letting go of what was. Of family which is still alive. Of feces that is too tough to deal with.

Perhaps it is time for me to face the facts. I have nothing to teach. Nowhere to point to. Nothing to say. Yes, Ernest. I respect you.

Try and Try Again

Our injury changes a lot. Behaviors that we become to know as, "Us" have disappeared for many of us. From sleep patterns to physical challenges. Food no longer seems the same. A lack of enjoyment. Reading is now similar to mowing the lawn on a hot, hot day. Guitars? Sell. Some things I did for better health and mind, meditation and varying exercise? Where did they go?

As I spoke about meditation on my last post, I haven't thrown in the towel. Sometimes having a group helps. The other point of importance that I left unsaid is exercise.

With meditation I hope to begin as a beginner. Exercise, the same. Both with patience. A small sitting each day. No judgement. No expectation.

My exercise has grown little beyond my walk around my roadway. All woods. I enjoy it. When I break off to climb the hill to home through the woods it's good to see tracks and scat, etc... MY plan there is to keep it up no matter what the weather. Work on increasing speed. Maybe a short run ( fifteen yards?) thrown in.

Those two little practices are highly rated for acting as TBI improvement. Aerobic based exercise is just what the brain needs. Equal to the benefits of sleep. The meditation will help calm our thinking into being in the reality of life. Being stuck in always looking backward while struggling with what the future may be, accomplishes nothing but worry, anger and depression.

I'm encouraging myself on while hoping that you as well will not just lie where you do. We should always work on growth. If my focus remains on all the things I used to do and used to enjoy is like missing my childhood. Remember. Have a good laugh or a warmth on heart but it is over. Only a memory.

Simplicity

Many of us follow our racing thoughts and dance with our dancing emotions. It's a rough way to live. Not that many people don't already live this way but after a TBI it kicks into high gear. My previous years have heightened my awareness of the unreality of being stuck in our thoughts and emotions focusing on yesterday and tomorrow. From years of meditation, and yes, TBI has helped squash that practice as well. But all things begin small and my practice of simplicity will begin with two items.

Two items to practice.

1) Practice. 

Start there. Think on what practice is saying. Patience. Non judgement. One day, one moment at a time. Never make goals out of it. Just do it. 

Just   Do   It!

Practice what? 

Start Here.

If anyone joins me..... Yes, me too, we can practice more which is known to be beneficial for us trying to strengthen and find balance. Starting here we can help calm the frenzy.

With practice....

OMG!

During my career experience, my study and observation, it has always frustrated me dearly when opinion and decisions are made by those who have never looked beyond the end of their nose. It so often seems that this is how most of society functions. Maybe the world. Pavlov's dogs and sheep run things and important positions and are the prime example of why things can never run smooth. 

I met with doctors, attorney and am soon expected to meet with a judge regarding my SSDI possibility. It is frustrating to see how little is actually understood in places and positions where it should be better known by them than by the one who has a brain injury. 

I can understand when friends and family don't have a firm perspective on Executive Dysfunction or Brain Fatigue and the cognitive, psychological and physical burdens that are a part of daily life. I have witnessed decisions, opinions and moves made accordingly which led to catastrophic ends. 

If you agree, share this. People need to do their homework before they launch headlong into screwing everything they think about and touch. Life is complicated and we do need fewer fools. Have mercy on us!

What to Do.....

Life does continue with me feeling more like a ninety year old who spends hours just looking out the window. As though everything has come to an end.
My recent disability review reveals what a mess I really am. I increased my medication which doesn't help until it fully kicks in. Let's hope. As I earlier stated my therapist recommended that I try a "just do it" exercise. It is helpful yet not easy. How well I slept dictates the new day. Grabbing my morning coffee the day feels finished. To grab the "Do it" and check on the chickens, pick up, do dishes, make bed and take a shower makes me feel that I accomplished something. Occasionally it provides added energy allowing me to do more. Run short errands, take a walk and feel hopeful.
My 2 Yr anniversary is this coming Tuesday. I don't want to continue on like this. I plan on a new Just do it plan to gain strength and balance.
Warm ups
Stretching
Planking

Wish me luck!

Depression - a Gift from Having a TBI

Depression runs through my Family Tree resembling a lone apple tree with fruit that even the birds avoid. My early years were filled with extreme anxiety before I even learned its name. Long reaching to seeing up close the recognition depression in my adult years showed me why lives were lived as they did.

Depression has toyed with me yet rose its head or sunk its roots colored by vibrant anxiety. In hindsight, it worked as a gift if I look how it stopped me from going where family and relatives ventured. But it was horrible none the less. In reading:

 

it helped offer a new way of realization. In later years with the addition of learning meditation my apple ripened.

In experiencing a traumatic brain injury things do change. The apple began to turn rotten on the tree. Things I did and/or used and/or experienced to shine the apple have gone.

That is why help is needed. Medication, therapy and supports have helped me from falling off the tree to only rot on the ground. Stick with me! It is work.

Let Us Not Fool Ourselves

Surviving a Traumatic Brain Injury is not a complex puzzle which we seek to understand and solve as if there are answers and solutions that will complete the puzzle. It's closer akin to a puzzle that was thrown about the neighborhood where some pieces were lost and where perhaps some were burnt in the nonsensical implosion.

No wonder why we experience depression and anxiety. Clarity, memory, walking upright and strong. We are in a difficult place. It's sweet when a survivor is able to write positive stories of change and success and at times make a living out of it. For many of us, we feel like we're partially clothed and hungry and are unsure on how we will find our way home. We sometimes find flowers of optimism which at times we share in an effort to feel good in sharing. In trying to find hope when finding others who suffer as we do.

It's a lonely occupation. An occupation that pays little and offers little hope of retirement. No wonder why we find ourselves crying and stumble forward in a wonder of where we may be going. It's not easy.  

Initiation - Just Do It!!

Executive Functioning and Completing a Task -

Planning - making plans for an activity
Initiation - taking the first step
Actually Doing -
Evaluation - carrying out the plans, monitor and self regulate
Changing/Improving - adjusting task as needed for improvement and success

After my Brain Injury, everyday tasks diminished until I sat like an old man or as though catatonia was moving in. Rising for work, before work plans were fully erased. Concentration, focus and following through on taken for granted tasks exist no more.

Going to bed and being able to sleep without the aid of medication. Sleeping nine hours and up to twelve hours. And naps are needed. Rising and doing more than a cup of coffee takes hours. With practice and determination I shower, wash a few dishes and sometimes make my bed.

Yippie!

I have been working with my therapist on a way to wake up / change things a bit. I am not fond of having medication being my Sherpa. It is true. Many known as being famous climbers would never have made it without the aide and assistance provided by the Sherpa. Medication, as well as a Sherpa, is required and can only do so much. For starters I am coming to recognize that I am not a mountain climber. I must start slow. Do something! Full responsibility falls not on the Sherpa. So the therapist suggested that I attempt a "Just do it" approach where I can.

And it works! Not easy. Small things, like regardless of how I feel, get up. Feed chickens. Do dishes. Make bed. Shower. Try adding a few other things. Seriously, it's not that easy. Catatonia calls.

I am one week away from my two year head injury anniversary. As a marked point I have a "Do It" plan. With imbalance, weakness and an ability to only now walk a block, I need to strengthen myself. I know how and what to do.

Tai Chi and Qigong simple warm ups.
Simple Feldenkrais movements.
Core strengthening Planking.

It's a start.

Just do it!

Executive Dysfunction

I have skill enough to do or practice several things, as we all do. Pretty good cook. Simple mechanics. Exercise, meditate and work. Avid reader, goof off guitar. I am happy with things that I've been able to do or accomplish. I guess that when your career and your life in general comes to the end, you can sit and do nothing. The learning has ceased. The body has grown old. The things in life are paid for.

But I am now sixty two and not ninety two.

I just turned sixty when I fell while my head had to cushion the fall. I'm now about two weeks away from my head injury date and time has passed faster than I could keep up with. My memory remembers six months, not two years. It's a heightened sense of time passing quickly without it ever being noticed. Everything I've earned is now gone with my job ending, my home sold and much more. SSDI is a long process. Financially I wonder how we'll make it.

Making the decision to eat, exercise, read or feel less than ninety plus is difficult. Sincerely, it makes desire, strength and decision making a heavy task. I manage to get out of bed and eventually to shower and what I can add for housework. I try to walk every day. All normalcy has come to an end.
Physically, the injury effected my once well controlled glucose. I have worked on highly strict control and have brought it under control. My blood pressure was also once again high but it has come down with effective work and assistance. Imbalance continues to come and go.

Falling asleep runs sporadic. My today has finished , tomorrow to come. Time for sleep is now is controlled by something other than me. It's a wheel. Experiences of one day do not predict the experiences of the next.  I am driving again but in well know areas. The guy who drove cross country now goes no where. So I sit home feeling lonely with no place to go. If a gathering is arranged and an invite is sent my way, I am apt to sit home and feel lonely.

I have been trying a "just do it" form of therapy. Instead of not doing I am trying to do. I have come to realize that if I want a garden to grow I must plant and cultivate and tend to it. My thoughts and feelings and ambition focus way beyond the garden. So, I am working to drop a list of what I should do to using focus on the garden. Me.

Let's Take a Break

Experiencing an injury is as a curve in the road that came unexpected. Some may stop suddenly, go up over the curb or up on a hill. Some may go over the cliff with the unexpected outcome so shockingly so.
I can only write of my experience in a hope that you may find positive some which has helped me. Not that I have secrets to share but maybe a way to discuss climbimg out of the ditch.
In 1987 I underwent a severe back injury which placed me on a long path to recovery. Loaded with pills and a cane and a brace with a t.e.n.s. unit, I decided to look outside the box. I was stuck.
I began to read about medication and supplements that others found helpful. Not just believing what I read of course, I just read deeper. I read Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr Bernie Siegel and discovered responses and fears and expectations regarding injury and illness.

I signed up for FeldenKrais Therapy. which I believe would now be helpful for TBI. My teacher gave me some tapes made by her husband (Josef Dellagrotte) with Taoist healing meditations. The Inner Smile, The Movement of Chi and the Six Healing Sounds.

Practice opened doors and improved my physical movement. Based on non traditional help I also went for Acupuncture. Regardless of thought or opinion this work/practice stimulated the body and brain helping me progress wherein others I knew seemed to rest in where they were. They had "bad backs" that captivated their lives. Their careers. Their thoughts and conversations.

I have practiced with meditation for years. Since my TBI it has become difficult. I'm not a Guru or teacher. Just someone who has been active and non active with daily practice. I'm working on it. Years ago I learned some Tai Chi and Qigong along the way. Helpful learning. I first read Jon Kabat-Zinn years ago. Along with many other related books, even others by him, I learned in a good way.

Surviving a brain injury is different for us all. I have however seen that pre-injury and post injury we all have something in common. We spend too much time having our thoughts captivated by the before and after of things. Always thinking about unreality. We feel it in our bodies and emotionally with our minds. After brain injury people often become stuck in who they were. What they did or could do. What does it accomplish really. Anger. Depression. Physical stress.

Looking ahead, we want to be this or have something go away. The thought and stress accomplishes what? Headaches? Nervous stomachs? Tight muscles? So depressed that we want to end it now?

Learning Mindfulness Meditation is only a way to learn on how to accept reality. That means awareness of now. Mentally and hence physically and psychologically burdened accomplishes nothing but stress, anger, depression and anxiety; where nothing positive can be produced.

Mindfulness is a practice. Not a race. Not a goal. Lighten up. It can be surprisingly humorous. Seriously. When beginning the practice, relaxing yet straightening the back and body whether sitting on a chair, a cushion or stump you learn to follow the breath and let thoughts pass as clouds in the sky. C'mon! It's a practice, not a race. You're learning. It is funny sitting and breathing and you begin to pat yourself on the back.

"Man, I'm great at meditation!"

Your thoughts float off into great positive thinking. Like I'm flying on a magic carpet. I feel so relaxed!

Then you realize that following your thought is what's going on. Breath? I'm just breathing. LOL Through following the breath and letting the thoughts go on their own takes practice. Practice. PRACTICE! LOL!

In other words, what I'm trying to say is that Mindfulness helps teach us that thoughts, feelings and emotions stuck on yesterday and tomorrow captivates us. "Living" in the present moment frees us. It is not magic. It is practice helping free us from thoughts which captivate our minds and body focused on that which is past or future filling our minds and body with stress and anxiety.

I would suggest that you read the book. Letting go is more useful than hanging onto what has passed or is what you wish for. Let me know what you think?

Executive Functioning, Ct'd.....

Originally, I went through the list on the last post. I noted how I matched up on one through ten. I wanted to note from a personal level where I found or saw myself when matched to the list. I later felt that it was pointless and deleted. Conversation or sharing is good. I was never a group minded person before or after my injury. Conversation is important. Grouping for me appears to contain too much personality and not enough heart.
That's me.
Don't take it personal.
Next, I'm listing Neural Fatigue.

Executive Functioning.

Undergoing a period of self examination so that I can better understand my brain injury. Executive functioning is self control which falters after an injury. I have found three brain locations that are responsible for the executive functioning. A brain injury may effect one or all three areas. Each area controls different levels of executive functioning.

My examination and conclusion dictates that Anterior Cingulate Cortex is my area of injury and I seek to better understand it. I am not a medical professional and I recognize that I may be in error.

To quote a statement found within the Rainbow Rehabilitation Center website; The executive functions are a set of processes that all have to do with managing oneself and one's resources in order to achieve a goal. It is an umbrella term for the neurologically based skills involving mental control and self regulation. Executive functions are the most advanced of cognitive functions, housed primarily in the frontal lobes, they allow an individual the following necessary functions:

1. Inhibition - The ability to stop one's own behavior at the appropriate time, including stopping actions and thoughts. The flip side of inhibition is impulsivity.
2. Shift - The ability to move freely from one situation to another and to think flexibly in order to respond appropriately to the situation. 
3. Emotional Control and Self-Regulation - The ability to modulate emotional responses by bringing rational thought to bear on feelings.
4. Initiation - The ability to begin a task or activity and to independently generate ideas, responses, or problem-solving strategies, and to take Responsibilities.
5. Working memory - The capacity to hold information in mind for the purpose of completing a task. 
6. Planning/Organization - The ability to manage current and future- oriented task demands. 
7. Organization of Materials - The ability to impose order on work, play, and storage spaces.
8. Self-Monitoring - The ability to monitor one's own performance and to measure it against some standard of what is needed or expected. 
9. Communication - The ability to communicate needs and manage expectations in personal and professional communications.
10. Accountability - The ability to take ownership over responsibilities. Taking risks and responsibilities

Grief

Experiencing days of feeling tearful and sad.  In typical fashion I examine myself for the cause. Depressed due to my TBI? A genetic bump from the injury? Feeling sorry for myself? Those on the outside always have an opinion. And truthfully to my credit, I watch, observe and listen. It's simple to form a belief, a feeling or an opinion. Weird as it may appear, I struggle with things without really knowing what is at the heart of the matter.
The truth of the matter is I'm experiencing grief. Memories of yesterday are only of value when we learn. As a human being learning can come through pain. But let's look at reality. With two legs severed off recovery takes time. Literally and emotionally we are now forever changed.Walking, running or dancing and eventually climbing upstairs. It comes slow.
Thinking of Brain Injury it seems more like this: The universe of self explodes and reforms. What if Mars exchanged places with our moon and the moon exploded into the sun and Venus up and disappeared? Surviving and continuation is still expected and worked on. Self explosion is confusing. More so than losing your legs.
Well, whatever. It is different. Unrecognized by us, the survivors or by those who knew us best or least. Grief ends. Life continues. Some do their best while others grieve their loses forever.
I would rather fight while my only issue currently is my trouble in training for a tomorrow.
I must learn how to regain my strength in every fashion.
Meanwhile, I sleep and I cry and watch my chickens all day.
Dammit!

The River of Life

On this day in 2003 me mum died unexpectedly. Unexpectedly in that she was built to exceed ninety plus years. Her liver shut down shortly after a hip replacement. May have strongly bid for an attorney but unexpected things make the family move on in shock.
This picture was taken in the early 1950's. She sits in thought.
Prior to my Brain Injury I had opportunity to sit in no-thought. Meditation allows thought to enter the mind like clouds do the sky. We are able to watch them cross from one horizon the the other. Change shapes, size and color.
We grab tightly to thought which manifests as a rudder forcing us along on the sky of life. We are born and we know also that one day we shall also die. From birth to death emotions such as fear and anxiety, depression and anger, love or lust or greed or desire can either steer or be observed.
My Brain Injury has taken over my (??) whereby I emotion has excessive authority. Physically I am altered in undesirable way. The mechanism of the human brain has also been changed.
It is confusing and appears that feeling anxious and depressed is reasonable. And I concur. I believe that the issue lies with grabbing emotion and letting it drag us along or being able to observe its arrival and departure.
It is a Practice. One that I have dropped and continue to find like a hot potato. I don't want to give up. I may need a little Ativan to assist. A little. The future now, appears more mysterious that it did five or ten years ado. Do I want to struggle in the river of life or learn how to ride it?
Oh well.... I miss you Mum. I give you love and apologies. I wish that you could have met Ann. You would really like her.

Seriously

 Someone with TBI might stop by here to learn the latest news. And I like that. I love American History and much more. Reading is not as generating for me as it used to be. Writing as well. It is a TBI struggle.

I would like to offer good words of inspiration.

As of now, I cannot.

When I can I will.

Things are hard.

Yes I am

A Square Peg

                     Trying to fit into

                                                a Round Hole

Pros and Cons of Solitude

I find that associating with brain injury groups I feel out of sorts. Sadly, as if I'm a black man who is trying to pass himself off as a white dude. I don't Want To fit in.

Sad?

Seeing those I know also has me feeling as though I want to leave. Things I feel are unknown. My thoughts, my feelings and my hidden struggles. I feel disabled. A very hidden disability. Trying to blend (?) with either side drives me to being alone.ou

I have experienced the sometimes freedom of meeting those who know nothing about me. I do feel free and light.

Do you experience the same? Anything close?

Brain Injury Destination

Destination: The place that someone or something is going or being sent

Prior or post brain injury, do we really have a place we are going or being sent? 

Post and prior we assume that plans, goals and wishes are destinations. I think not. Unless you're thinking like the ships of 1492. Plans for finding east by going west and finding what you never expected. 

I don't know if I'm going east or west. Destination? No... No idea what place I'm going to or being sent (physically, mentally, brain function) It will be a surprise? 

Damned if I know.

I Am Sorry

I recently read a story about people interviewed while on their death beds.
Do they have any regret now that their book is slowly closing
The common regret was being sorry for choices they wish were different. Regret for challenges they were afraid to make. Traveling, better decisions, making more friends and supporting family better and so on.
I could alter the list. It's not a wall of agreeable regrets held by all.
Regrets I feel are real but not necessarily anything more than just being human. We all did the best we could do. We all deal with apprehension and fear. We have heavy choices. Life is hard. Driving across the State can make us regret that we didn't use a map or maybe we should have turned left at the last sign.
But I too, I guess, have a regret. One where I feel that I must say, "I am sorry."
I am not sure why but I feel I must take responsibility.
Is it real?
How much time do we use to struggle with an I should of or could of or why didn't I?
This is a common human experience. After a brain injury, I have read and seen and experienced how much the common human experience is accelerated. A hump on our back where we feel laden with too heavy a burden. Wishing we acted differently. Thinking that our emotions/feelings now create more regret than a rational plan for action instead of regret and/or apology.
It's not easy being me right now. Or for you being you! In trying to paddle down a high rapid river practicing at control and not only emotion aids in finding shore.
I want us to be patient with ourselves but work hard. Thoughts and emotions of negative quality can be lessened, with practice.
It's not easy. Some days are just the days that they are. A day of walking close to tears. One of feeling angry. It is not us!
So, what can we do?

Roomful of Mirrors

Time to get up! Or wake up. Or maybe go back to sleep. One day it's nine a.m. and another it's eleven.
Surviving a Brain Injury every day is different. It is like living in a roomful of mirrors and being unable to tell right from left or up from down. Every reflection reveals different thinking and thus feelings and perspective.
Consistency!
Where has it gone?
Hence days or weeks with time plus or minus, no wonder focus is unreachable. Body and emotions and thinking. A merry go round or a roomful of mirrors or both?
That's the hard part. I work at it by thinking about weather. In summer we don't mind a rainy day. But when the temps drops by twenty five degrees and it continues for several days, we beg for change. We endure because we know that soon the sun will shine.
Winter? It can be a bit more difficult. Snow, cold and dark with feeling that we can go on no longer. But for most of us, we have to.
I want the mirrors cleared out. The merry go round burned. No more time in the long winters of New England unless I can afford a few weeks west or south.
Bah!

The Only Constant is Change...

• CHANGE

Growing up in a town of four precincts and very little police, things overall were calm. With the anti war protests of the 60's, hippies, civil rights issues and the killing of MLK and Bobbie Kennedy the force grew to full time. From one full timer to ten. 

Eight out of the ten and the Chief were good guys. I used to visit for hours and talk with a few favorites. The Chief nicknamed me, "Sport."

We had a gay guy in class and we didn't give a damn. We thought of a clean environment and always picked up after ourselves. Marijuana was in use with beer. We wanted Love and peace. Not war. 

Read this: 

Things become more militaristic. And LSD, then cocaine and much else seemed to flow in. The newer young generation didn't like blacks and litter became a new game. Love did turn aggressive and the music of the eighties, as music always does, slipped into a new era. The social discourse of music of the 60's and 70's turned into abandonment and fun. Neighbors and communities were ignored and front porches turned into back decks.

Life become more ambiguous with feelings and opinions bursting into the look of fireworks going every which way in sound, look and color.

For me, I sought balance and tune. The voice of Taoism and Buddhism helped immensely. I looked to ride the wave and lose punching and kicking in all directions. The last ten years unfurled an increase in life's complex problems and my meditation began to stutter. Unsettling emotions gained ground.

Then came the TBI. Traumatic Brain Injury. A kick in the balls that went straight to the head. Or visa versa. In my first year of recovery (?) focus was a big issue. As I began to read again or at least attempt to find things I could read with interest beyond a sentence or two, politics and social problems grabbed me by the short hairs. A replica of youth memories with a greater (in my view) control, bullshit and media manipulation of the American government. Anger and sickness due to the times became my rudder while love and compassion appeared as a delusion.

It still does.

Brain injury is complicated enough without adding the piles of shit which we have no control over. The industrial complex after WWII had us enter Korea, Vietnam and into the Middle East and beyond. Looking at world history as we know it none of this is new.

Looking for peace? Seek it out. Nurture it.

Bear! Bear! Bear???

I live among a wide variety of animals who were rarely present when I was young.
Not to digress but almost every conservative believes that regulatory laws destroy American freedoms and place too tight a restriction on business.
The argument against regulatory restriction when someone presents me their opinion is like cult like built on belief and not upon a lick of reasoning.
Weird.
I remember so well how the river ran a different color every day. Moose and Turkey was in Northern Maine and mostly Canada. Bears were few and far between. Deer were here but good fish and bird needed to be stocked regularly.
Take a trip into NYC? Dirty, blinding air pollution, sludge and stinky water. Yet the fight continues.
Wildlife abounds here. Clean water consistently fought for because it is an ongoing battle. I have moose, bobcat, bear, turkeys, deer, eagle, hawk and more that is only here due to regulatory law. Even the rivers now run clean and carry stocked fish as the existence of other would still carry a too abundant PCB.
It makes me wonder about how little brain injury has been discussed as a medical reality. Silly? Perhaps. But we can all agree on how football and other major sports have downsized their reality and their potential. It could be an option. You know, you could get hurt real bad, but you have a chance on making some good money!
For you and me, we may have had no option. Or maybe we made a mistake. I find it a little weird how large the percentage of Head Injury is and how little the percentage of physician understanding there is. It's growing.
With the right amount of medical help unrestrained by full knowledge of what's going on may begin to resemble cleaner waters and better things going on around us.
But again, I'm not asking anything beyond some understanding. In the very old days I could be led like Lennie Small from place to place or allowed to sleep in a barn because I shovel horse shit all day.
I'm not. I do receive medical help from the State. My caretaker looks after me very well. I have always been a person depended on by many. I have a helpful family and a few friends. But I read of many left in the cold. And SSDI is like an apple too high on the tree.
Well, I'm not complaining. The reality of life is what it is. Some readily suffer and die. Some just suffer. Some pull out.

Bicycle! Bicycle!

After three weeks in the hospital my release to rehab hospital dizzy stagger was the norm. Some of it was attributed to otosclerrosis and/or brain damage. It turns out that I have lost 96% of the hearing in my left ear due to the damage. Physical rehab has a technique where in using a manipulation and head spin your ear can be put back into balance. Doesn't heal your lack of hearing but it helps restore your balance. Through Qigong experience I did it myself. The inner ear was put back in order while the cochlear damage remains.
But imbalance comes and goes. A stiff neck, looking up pulls the trigger. Spins and a stagger. Not always. Unexpected!

Today I passed a bicycle rider examination. Becoming so out of shape and tired and dealing with the excess of brain drain days I do need this. Build slowly. Always wear a helmet. Don't push myself. I plan to hit the road about the home until it gets easier. When it does I will head down to rail trail. Scenic riding, paved trail. I haven't ridden in two years. It's a hopeful feeling.

Hopeful!

Busy Day

After sleeping ten hours I got out of bed by 9:30 a.m.  I poured five gallons of diesel into my oil tank yesterday and had to prime the furnace for a morning shower. 100 gallons was being delivered later in the day. With success a hot shower and two cups of coffee slowed down my need for a nap. Did a little of this and a little of that and 3:30 came quickly. An hours nap was needed.
My love and caregiver bought me a fishing license today. It would be great to back into the peacefulness of fishing. I am reading a good book too. The old self often had three books going on at once. Being able to read now is different. It has to be more participant than thinking and processing. A story and not a feeding of the mind.
My current read... 
My love and caregiver is making plans for solo camping for a few days next week. She needs space too. She worries too much about me. I asked her recently, "If I was an eight slice pie, how many slices of me is a burden for you?" She told me, "six slices!" It's become a possible nickname. "Six Slice."
We sleep in separate beds. Intimacy is no longer what it was pre-TBI. But we do love each other and are growing both separately and together. I really feel as though I couldn't live without her but I support her life's plans if it is ever to be.
When people from the past see us again it is difficult for them so see where we hurt or have changed. Spending time with me some areas are seen but not well. The reason why many of us feel similar to ghosts. They really don't see us.
I really need a dog but it seems too difficult. The choice. The responsibility.
I've never been a smoker. A part of the cigarette league. I've smoked a peaceful pipe for years and years. After my injury the pipe was emptied of pleasure and replaced by the cigar. A good cigar. I love my cigars. Watching the chickens. Reading my book. Sitting in my free chair.
Good to see you. Thanks for stopping by. You should come over for a night's fire. Peaceful!

Looking for Encouragement

Seriously, If anyone stop by looking for encouragement, welcome to TBI! And as you find in your everyday path, finding here is similar to flipping a coin. In the rain. In the dark.
I have stories to tell. But why? I'm not a fan of talking about it. I've learned that a large portion of that is because so much of my TBI appears hidden. In some places it is an advantage. But in groups (as in my daughter and son in law's July 2nd 4th of July - comes with an awesome fireworks display too) I would rather stay home.
Everyone accepts and likes me. But I feel like I have something to hide. Something to not talk about or admit to. Perhaps it is due to the ways that I've changed. Some see the change and some don't. The problem lies in the knowledge which I have. I don't know what's changed. Not in a firm sense. Not something we can really talk about.
I'm weak, off balance and have gained weight. My strength has diminished. And then it often seems to me that I gained some mental illness. I have meditation history and it helps us develop a ride it where it goes mentality. To a good degree that remains. The rest is a rattling bag of bones. Like I lost many years and woke up as ninety something.
Feeling Encouraged? 

TBI Dreams, Drums and Drams

I will soon begin to participate in the local Adult Daycare. That I sit alone as often as I do is of some concern. For me, it is both a place of peace and of loneliness. Everyone I know wants to visit, have a fire or perhaps even camp out in my wooded place called home. Chickens, cats and wildlife require nothing of me. It's a good place to be.
Entering various links and pages where other brain injury survivors like to go can be a place that I also feel the need to avoid. A few TBI friends that I've made are good. There is an effort to take what they have and move forward. Some places make it seem more like a club. A group. Vision seems narrow even after many years have gone by. I know things are difficult but I don't want to settle in even if I'm alone a great deal of the time.
I spoke with a nurse from one of the programs and pondered over the whys of brain injury. Everyone seems to have bad dreams, anxiety and/or depression. Why does a good head whack go there when the brain can also dream of love and sandy beaches and play. Why the negative?
Even attending the local cruise nights and car shows I meet people who will avoid my car because it is not a muscle car crying for music of the 50's and early 60's. At one particular show many have claimed an area as their own as if the bounty of other great cars must sit at their feet and park elsewhere. Well, you know where I park. Move over rover. You got something to say? I meet polite with polite. I meet aggression with, "I'm not afraid to die. Are you?"

She's not perfect. She's from 1973. A good but complex period. VW's of the old era are reminders of peace and love. She's fun and moves along well. It's the poor man's Porsche.
I guess that I'm a little off track. Where was I going?
Eh, forget it.

Confusing World?

Venturing outside of family differences numbers in opinion multiply. Just take a small look into news, Facebook, religion and politics. Having an opportunity to just take a small look at the differences in opinion in your community would present interesting numbers. Expand that into race, countries and ethnicity and the numbers become as unfathomable as the number of salt in the sea.
Opinion and mathematics differ like fire and water although fire and water can be used together. Boil water or put out fire they can be used together in a multitude of ways.
Surviving a brain injury calls for simplicity because what I am able to do in a day changes by day. Steps forward and steps back are familiar to us all. In time the brain does slowly heal having us realize that our brains are the administrator or the king of our castle. To experience how the brain effects our bodies is unimaginable.
But the world of opinion, religion and politics operates differently. Or so we believe.
Imagine being black or native American in this country with the expectation that Jesus and Santa are white. That Christianity is our religion. What if Trump was elected as the President of the U.S. and other counties thought that we needed to be protected and changed. If foreign troops moved in and most of our major cities were bombed into looking like the broken down portions of New Orleans or Detroit and many other unlivable portions of America. How many of us would then become what would be labeled by our occupiers as terrorists.
With or without a brain injury the world is confusing. Mathematically there are formulas and equations that construct a this plus this and a minus that will equal the same numbers every time. When the power of a dollar usurps constructive formulas for the common good everything is effected. Even in our world of brain injuries numbers and causes have been downplayed. From High Schools and College sports to the NFL. For returning veterans. The need and understanding has been suppressed.
The dollar is our administrator and the King of our castle.

Making Sense, Scents, Cents since...

There are moments when I became aware of moments. Or time. The passage of time. I feel as though my brain injury happened six months ago. I'm dealing with recovery, (?) getting things together and dealing with what happened a little while ago. Then I come to understand (?) that I'm approaching two years since the injury occurred.  Two years? Pain areas, stiffness, memory and personality difficulties, imbalance and tiredness and on?
Christ! I did not get in a train wreck. I fell five or six feet and cracked the right side of my head open. The brain slammed into the left side (really?) and therein lies the problem.
Really? It did almost kill me.
Unreal...
In many ways I feel I'm ninety five. Life has moved on. Career over. My body has aged. The days have shortened along with ability. Like someone (me?) flicked a switch. How did I get here?
Old age slowly arrives. Not in a click or a flick of a switch. But it's here. Or is it?

The Collapse of Civilization Via TBI

Remembering an old film where a man had to cross the desert, ration water and keep moving until freedom or rescue is finally at hand. Some guys never make it. The main character manages to overcome such a life threatening obstacle and survives.
Hurrah for the star of the movie. How quickly we forget about the guy who dried like a raisin where his bones became picked clean by the hungry.
In my crossing of the desert I am finding it hard to focus on a dot on the horizon. It has been too much to fathom. If I was trying to save my water and make it to the other side it would appear a little more reasonable than this stumbling through the noxious fog of having a TBI. Brain injury is complicated and ever changing. Step forward and step back adding in a zig-zag and spiral line. Rationing water and moving towards a dot on the horizon is a rationale struggle with the hope that you'll make it. Zigs and spirals beyond everyday comprehension lure many to just drop in the desert of life and deteriorate to having our bones picked clean.
It took some time but I finally began to understand the reason for my desire to "tap out."  Due to feeling weak and dependent on the help of others a child or reaching an old age we do find ourselves dependent. But it is true then as well as it is now. We fight for independence and strength. I guess that it's natural.
Being watched over and cared for does bring an expectation or hope that we will smile and be happy. I don't like it. Tired, weak, confused and changed? So we put our best foot forward and be the best that we can.
Bill Hickock took shots to the back on my birthday. I know that it's odd that I always sat with my back to the corner. When I read of his demise I thought, "Hey. I can relate!" Much of my life has been independent yet giving. Watchful and guarded. Now I feel up for grabs.
Turning on the television doesn't help much either. American life seems to be always selling you on something. From goods to pharmaceuticals to politics. Making a buck is the number one goal and how it's done is an ongoing masquerade of making a buck no matter what the outcome.
As one who has observed the wisdom of Buddhist compassion I too feel that if I am nice, polite and cordial I am willing to surrender and die. Watching the animal kingdom naturally feed on each other is normal and acceptable. There was (and still is) a time when man must hunt and kill and eat their choice of meat. Toss in religion and/or country and we condone killing for power and riches.
My guard down now?

TBI and Nightmares

I had a good day yesterday. Slept well and managed enough energy to go outside before noon. I went chicken egg hunting and put together a nice little grill. It took about two hours giving me a little satisfaction by accomplishing a lengthy task. I got the mail and took a walk. It doesn't sound like it but it was a good early afternoon. Encouraged, I got the wheelbarrow and got a load of the old wood from across the street. Stacked, I headed back to move some cinder blocks. One load of four was enough. Out of steam, I hung with the chickens and watched the birds come and go from the feeder. Done for the day.
It seems a little silly on just how little work it really was. By bedtime my body was sore and I was tired. I read a little and settled in. It sometimes takes an hour to fall asleep regardless of how tired I am.
Let the games begin.
Why do so many of us have nightmares? Experiencing a brain injury, why doesn't it produce dreams of beautiful islands and fun times? It's not nightmares about my injury. After nine, ten or twelve hours of sleep with a nightmare thrown in the new day feels like a bog. Slow, foggy and exhausted start. I woke up very sore and was reminded once again that I know about everything there is about physical therapy and strengthening that would help immensely. That would mean practice, commitment and a schedule. Can you think of anything that's more difficult?
Oh. The nightmares. Ain't got a clue. Hate them. Survivable but effectively disheartening because there is nobody I can give a hard time to for being rude.
See. I am being nice.....

I'm Confused.... Why are people so hard on each other???

Life is tough. If one is born with a silver spoon it's not a guarantee of life satisfaction. There's long lists of goofy well off people doing goofy things. If one is born into a world of nothing it's not a guarantee of life going nowhere. We are where we are and much of where we go is up to ourselves.
I am not happy or satisfied in having survived a brain injury but there also lies no guarantee of how far I will go or how little my health will improve. Like salmon working to spawn we are here to swim upstream the best that we can do. Maybe some people do live like fish in an aquarium, being fed and being watched swimming the tank for life. But we are designed to do what we can with whatever we have.
One of the basic tenets of life is how growth comes through being nurtured.
Buddhism teaches a great deal about compassion and I think that it is a very important insight. To allow a plant to grow to fruition and to do what it was designed to do we plant the seed. We tend, water, feed and trim when necessary. We cultivate with care giving it what it needs. Just like we do with our children, pets and other things of value.
But our care and compassion often stops there. In seeing the value of compassion why do we begin to lose compassion for ourselves and for others? And for us to grow to fruition, what if we don't begin by nurturing ourselves so that it may feed others with the fruit of compassion?
Many of us who have survived TBI are quick to anger. Just as the weather changes, my anger arises too as sometimes violent. And just as how the weather changes from a storm to sunshine, I too weather the storm and wait for a better day. Imagine if I cultivated the anger? (there were times I did)
We're surrounded by angry and non-compassionate people. And it is built through ignorance. Not knowing. Not stupid, unknowing.
I am thankful that my injury has helped remove me from much of the ongoing world. People are argumentative everywhere. Husbands and wives, people at work, all of politics. Beginning with self compassion and also working to separate ourselves from the ongoing rush of stress coming through all the faces that surround us, building self compassion, helps enable us to enter the position of helpfulness. For ourselves and for others.
It's the fruition of the well cared for and nurtured plant that will produce or radiate great fruit and beauty.

Finding Myself or Losing Myself after TBI

After a traumatic brain injury survivors miss who they were while struggling with the complications of who they now appear to be. Cognitive, physical and psychological have shifted. Not being able to accomplish what you often took for granted is discouraging. Aspects of daily living such as doing things easily, feeling strong and going with the flow find us now in a different place.
I now feel like I'm ninety five. I need much sleep and move slowly. Every day is different and every day the same. Slow days filled with the feeling that I'm just waiting for the day when my end of life steps in. Putter around, accomplish little.
Since my day of injury things have improved. Slowly. I have a long way to go. But where am I going?
With all of this added time I am trying to find myself. Or perhaps I'm losing myself.
What is self?
Who am I looking for?
I've never been a fit in. High School graduation I stayed home and dropped by later to pick up my diploma. When eighteen I didn't register for Selective Service. Turning nineteen soon I finally did. They sent me a packet of lined correspondence for my explanation on why I never registered.
"Because I never got around to it," I wrote back.
College Graduation, I played horse shoes and received my diploma in the mail.
I worked towards ordination. Whoops.
I've always studied and read and sought a truthful balance. Following for following sake? I question authority. I don't believe every word and prefer fingers which point the way so that I can see for myself.
I was a Freemason and served as Chaplin. E-gad.
The world and everything in it isn't seen by me as complicated. It is seen by me as purposely delusional. Like a thick wood, only some make it through.
Finding myself now where I am closely hermit-ted in a many faceted way, the wood is thinned.

Unable or Upside Down?

I don't want to make a career out of my TBI writing. I am not planning to write a book or go to Washington and plead for greater TBI awareness or medical changes in the law. I am writing for me. Writing I find helpful. If I gather any readers the point is?

I'm not sure.

Maybe encouragement? Maybe a feeling that we're not alone in this perplexing life. Maybe this or maybe that? We never sign up for much. We grow and make plans, choose a career, a spouse. A billion different directions. TBI  is  different for most of us but in many ways it appears that we have all entered the same dimension.

Our own Twilight Zone.

 Many of us seek similar pathways. Join support groups. Seek similar medical and social direction. Maybe we read stuff like my rabble...... Many profess over the fact that we are not what we were. Yeah, that's obvious. When we were what we were we still stressed over some dissatisfaction in not reaching as high as we hoped or worked for. We should work on letting that go. I think that we're really upside down. We are able move forward and we do we should not continue to cut ourselves in two. It's work. Hard work.

I get overwhelmingly tired and discouraged. We need to seek that which helps us move forward but focus on today. The mind (and body) is wasted by energy spent on what was or what we hope or fear about tomorrow. I had a bad day today. I need the sun. Winter drained me like a jug with a crack in it. Today it rained. I sat alone and watched my chickens do their thing. A male and female Cardinal was nice to see eating together at the feeder. Another day like that and I'll need a sedative.

Come on over. We'll start a pit fire and watch the day.

Living the Simple Life - TBI

As we age we do find it effective to keep moving, to remain limber, to keep our muscles strong as we're able. As we age, we never look forward to the days moving slow, being tired and perhaps think about our life's story is coming to a close.

I am surprisingly in that boat now. It's from a brain injury and not from growing old. Looking back two years earlier, I could bemoan how my strength and passing as being years younger or riding my bicycle or my ability to rise at 5 a.m. and seize the day, has run away. Or taken from me.

I find it as having the least amount of progress in bemoaning. It is what it is. I do walk with losing my breath and stamina amazingly early. I do walk zig-zag more than I want to. As a once well controlled diabetic it is no fun in finding that it is one more issue to deal with.

I find it profitable to sit with my chickens and enjoy the day as they do. We watch for hawks and predators. It is what it is. When I am in a store or at a cruise night and a good tune plays, I dance and act silly. I'm having fun. It is what it is. Watching all the birds fly through the day or all the bats flying to eat, I watch. I enjoy.

Bemoaning is not natural. I am fortunate that my caretaker and my small family and my few friends let me be me. Sure, I lost much but I work on life, my life, today. Reality is now. It is what it is. I do work on enjoying the simple life. I am fortunate that way. Do what I can. Rest in falling short of what I once could do. Today will offer what it does as I do what I can. If my brain battery loses power by looking behind me and/or while looking forward as if I'm beg for a better hand being dealt, it's useless.

Let's deal with where we are and make the best of it. I know, it's not an easy task. When a loved one passes does it benefit ongoing grief? There is a natural progression.

Let's find it.

Shut Up Brain Injured Dolt!!!

As I earlier stated, out of politeness we're often asked about how we're doing. Friends and family and such want to hear if we're doing better. It's common. Whether it's the flu or a broken leg people often ask about our well being after injury or sickness.

Our hope and that of theirs is to hear of good times. If a year later and more we express our weakness and difficulty it in reality wears them out. It does.

I'm working on keeping my mouth shut. With brain injury we're too aware of the fact that we have moved. Moved away from who we were. How we felt. How we did things. The world has changed. Or is it that only we have changed?

I might stop writing. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut..

The Voice of TBI

I write about TBI because I find it helpful - for me. When we meet the people we've known before our brain injury they always ask based on habit or social tradition, "How are you doing?. People in general are only being polite. Lives are complicated. Nothing is adamantly easy for everyone we know. It's easy for us to state how complicated things are. We almost can't help it. But even the most polite and caring of people really want to or need to hear about our issues. I don't think that we can help ourselves though. Everything has changed. Our relationships have changed. With radical changes in ourselves we no longer relate in the same way that we did. Emotionally we're different. Our thinking and ability to converse has changed. For many of us, just staying at home and being alone seems to be more of a simple and peaceful track.

For me, I do feel like a square peg, round peg that cannot find the hole. I'm lonely but I'm not. I'm anti social but I'm not. It's relative to my cooking (I can) or playing guitar (I can) or read. Nothing really fits anymore. Trying to fit in with others who have had a brain injury is also not a natural fit.

I find a need to talk with someone. One on one in the quiet of quiet of a fire or restaurant or a hike in nature appears to work well. Would love someone who would sit under the stars with me without expectation of any sort allowing life to be as life can be.

The difficulty is difficult. I am not laughing.

Cannot find the hole?

I'm crying.

Alone in TBI

I spend a great deal of time alone. It can be difficult in some ways while in other ways it gives me peace. Support groups are suggested and attending social invitations is considered helpful by my therapist and my brain jury supports. Even prior to my brain injury I haven't been a group or club type of person. I am a true introvert which has nothing to do with being shy. I have worked in group types of employment. Management, leadership, coaching and directing. I am most comfortable being the one behind the steering wheel. I am an observer.

My non-shy introvert can't hear with the left ear. I walk with imbalance.  Conversation reveals my word search and lack of knowing date, time, and the day of the week. I heavily depend on at least ten hours of sleep with naps while consistency is instead erratic. The ability to fall asleep is never a guarantee. While trying to fall asleep I envision falls and the need for avoidance of being hit by something which should be avoided. My well controlled diabetes is now not so. Ridiculous insulin resistance. My physical body has weakened and aged. Walking every day is short and breath taking. Emotionally I am polite and loving while anger lies buried just below the positive. Procedure mapped through name or tag is difficult. Filing or direction and names are free floating. Driving out of range is difficult. It's best to be driven. Cooking, reading, guitar and meditation has lost it's seat. Cooking can be done if done with concentration and direction. Reading needs to click an interest in my brain. The avid reader has expired. The guitar requires too much from me. Meditation is similar to having a right arm cut off. It's foreign and uncomfortable. And btw.....my editing has weakened too.

Why not be alone? Sitting with the chickens requires little and produces happiness.

Testing Testing

Soon my bicycle ability will get tested. Straight? Wobbly? We'll soon see! My old Fuji offers much. I need to ride again.

But Don't Get Me Wrong!

I've lived a life. Good times, bad times, you know I've had my share. I feel that life is never perfect. But that is life.

Surviving a Brain Injury can be a difficult experience. No, I'm wrong. It is difficult. At all levels of survival. Difficult is a kind word. That is why I bring Hemingway to light. He led an interesting life. His writing was a wise gift while like us there was injury and divorce and numerous personal difficulties. And likewise I can understand his suicide. My current struggle calls for me to try and take each new day as an empty glass. When the glass contains the ingredients of yesterday it adds nothing but spoiled ingredients to an empty and new glass. That is my practice.

I occasionally laugh and state that life is for learning. Why? Damned if I know. But I often feel as though suicide will only bring us back to start life all over again. Like being thrown back into the washer again. I hope to go higher up the ladder. Starting at the proverbial bottom again? No thanks.

I am doing my best. Suicide is a life's possibility. I hope we can all stay strong.

Understand, Understood, Just Plain Under

Some days begin very slow which usually means that I watch a couple hours of television. Not my favorite thing to do. I've seen a few socialite movies recently. Groups of people attached to expensive wine, friends and problems while trying to understand their complicated lives. Plastic people doing plastic things. It seems silly and I can never fully understand why these movies receive three stars. Writers, professors, artists and movie producers all seeking fame, recognition and money.

I thought that my brain is damaged!

I seek to live my life free of ongoing comparison. You know, where I am and what I have vs what I was or should be, What I have and what I think I should have. I am what I am. Wasting my time to be something other than what I am is a silly movie. And I don't want to be an actor either. I am and do what I do! As a parent, a husband and in my career I did the best I could do. I apologize to no one.

Am I happy due to my cognitive changes? My physical difficulties? My psychological changes? Our lives wave like the wind in the trees. The world is not always a walk in the park. I do have a great deal to complain about. But I also have things I can be thankful for. I'm fortunate. We all need a tribe, family, friends and caretakers. I do not like clubs. I am not into family for better or worse. That is what describes me. A simple soup for a simple life.

We're all different. Before and after our TBI. There are things that hold us together and things which can keep us separate. I hope that somehow we can all learn to keep our lives simple. We seem to add to our complications. Let's discuss how we can find easy. Find love. Find Tribe. Those who stick together.

Brain Injury Death Game

Immediately after my injury the paramedics were unsure if I would survive. My few memories of being in the ICU I believed I shared the room with many wounded soldiers. Months later when we moved into a different home I sensed ghosts and dealt with them for a month. We worked out an agreement.

Yeah, a brain injury is a weird place to wake up to. As we try to explain how much things have changed it's truly beyond explanation. The rules change. Our entire being has moved into a new dimension.

I have entered into periods of suicidal thought. I have entered into a desire to fight and swear. I have jabbered my nights through dreams like great novels or frightening tales were being laid out before me.

It weirdly seems as though the Spirit of Death's attention was drawn by any almost there experience. As though it believes that it drew a good card from the deck of our life. They say that a cat has nine lives. How many do we have? The lack of skipping and singing my life through hints that my nine lives have shortened. But my mind does not want to work like that. I spread my awareness across today and away from yesterday and tomorrow. This type of awareness of thought is due to my days of meditation. Do I still meditate?

Huh?

It seems like a "pick something" game. For cognitive injury you reach in and choose. How many?

For physical. For psychological. Not sure how each bag fills up but once a survivor you do find others who picked similar to you. Some? Oh, shit. Depressing and sad and glad where I am. Only through comparison I guess. Not that I'm complacent with my picks. In my struggle for the surface for much breathable air, what if I were locked inside myself in a long term care facility?

No. This is not a good time. If I met the Spirit of Death  face to face,I have maintained my desire to never bow.

I challenge.